


A Star in the Sky

by spencer_reids_hands



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Babies, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Canon Dialogue, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Fluff, F/M, M/M, Multi, POV Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid is a Mess, The BAu - Freeform, semi-canon, spencer reid is a single dad, who let a baby in the bullpen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:47:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28283454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spencer_reids_hands/pseuds/spencer_reids_hands
Summary: Spencer Reid thought he was very smart. He calculated the outcome of every option and weighed the risk for everything he did, never doing something that had a high chance of an unwanted outcome. He didn't count, though, on being an outlier, one of the two percent of people who become pregnant after protected sex. Now he has to work through a situation that doesn't have statistics that could ever help him; fatherhood.
Relationships: past Spencer Reid/Original Female Character
Comments: 57
Kudos: 85





	1. Dear Spencer

**Author's Note:**

> This starts at the beginning of the first season and there will be anywhere from 1-3 chapters from each season, expecting around forty chapters or so, but that could change at anytime.

I had the odd feeling I was being watched all day. 

I told myself to calm down, it was just a bad case causing my nerves to think of things that weren't there. No one was watching me, but I wasn't crazy for thinking so. I was 23, not quite the age for a break. Not yet. 

So, it was all in my head. I just needed to get home to my studio apartment, relax a bit, and block out the case from today. When I got to my apartment I threw my bag to the side, kicking the door shut behind me and grabbing a random book off the shelf, not looking to see which I had taken before reading. Three words in I figured I was reading Война и миръ, _War and Peace_ , but I couldn't get in any further when a forceful knock came at my door, startling me away from the novel. I waited for only a moment before getting up, and as soon as I began walking I heard footsteps running away, causing me to quicken my pace. 

I threw the door open and found no one there. No one, that is, who would've gotten there by themselves. There was a diaper bag at my feet, a carry-on bag, and a baby car seat, filled with a tiny human inside. I stepped outside the door, stretching my neck out as far as it could go but only saw the elevator doors closing, a flash of blonde hair before they shut. I had the sinking feeling that I was correct about being watched earlier. 

I picked up the baby seat first, bringing in the small human so they weren't out in my hallway, before grabbing the other bags and closing my door gently. The baby was asleep, and on top of their chest sat an envelope, my name is written on the front. 

With shaky hands I grabbed the envelope, sitting on the floor next to this baby. I had a sinking feeling I knew whose it was. This baby must've been younger than a month, and it didn't take a genius to do the math. 

* * *

_Dear Spencer,_

_I'm troubled to find you again with such news, but life doesn't work out how we always anticipate, as I learned 7 months ago. I know I don't have to tell you, your intelligence is what drew me to you in the first place, but of course, I should get obvious into the open._

_This is our daughter, Spencer._

_I found out I was pregnant after you were already gone, not that I blame you for such a thing. Our night together was just that, only a night, and I didn't anticipate it having a consequence that would last 18 years. By the time I realized I was pregnant, I was three months along, entering my second trimester._

_I thought I could do it, I really did. I had wanted to be a mother since I was a child, but not like this. I am young, trying to work through college and two jobs and I don't have the time, money, nor ability to mother a child. She is young, only three weeks old now, and I cannot do this. I hope you understand why I have brought her to you._

_If you wish to give her up for adoption, I will understand and hold no ill-will to you, how hypocritical it would be of me if I did. I thought it best that I try and bring her father into her life before sending her to strangers. I only ask that you give it time. I know I didn't give it much time, but it only takes a few days to learn if you are able to do such a drastic and important job. Give it the same amount of time I did, and know she will be fussy, she'll miss me even with as little time as we had together._

_She is a good sleeper, and if our night together is an indication of your sleep schedule, you two will get on perfectly. She is formula fed, and in her diaper bag is enough formula to last a month. Enough of everything she will need to last two months, all the things I was given during my baby shower and in the hours following her birth. I've included money, not much but hopefully enough to start you out until you have more saved. I know you weren't expecting a human being to enter your life like this, and don't doubt your savings aren't adequate for this change._

_I'm sorry, Spencer, I truly am. I thought I'd be able to have this child, raise her and contact you at some point in the future, but I was wrong. If you give her up, do not feel guilt, she deserves the best of lives, and if neither of us can give her that she deserves someone who will. All her paperwork is in the left pocket of the diaper bag. Birth certificate, in which you are listed as the father, medical records, anything she will need, and anything you will need. Bring her to the hospital as soon as you can to get a paternity test and officially take guardianship of her, if that is what you wish._

_I ask that you do not contact me, Spencer, though I won't be mad if you do. I know you will have questions that a single letter cannot answer, but please, give it time. Give me time. Give you guys time. Maybe things will change in the future, maybe she will want to know who her mother is and you won't have the answers, just memories of her conception and a woman who couldn't raise her. And if that day comes, however far in the future, please find me. I know you'll be able to._

_I'm sorry again, Spencer. I hope you can give her a better life than I ever could. I know you can, as long as it's what you wish. Best of luck, and all the love in the world to my daughter and her father. _

_-Lucille_

_p.s. when we spent our night together, watching the stars before going back to your hotel room, you said something that stuck with me, even nine months later. You showed me a constellation, Cassiopeia, and said, "Out of all the stars in the sky, Cassiopeia is one that shines the brightest for no reason other than to show her beauty." Spencer, meet your daughter Cassiopeia Alma Reid_

* * *

"What the fuck," I said aloud, quickly rereading the letter in my shaky hands. I looked down at the sleeping baby and cursed for cursing in front of her, doing it again. 

Baby. _My_ baby? My baby daughter? My heartbeat was so fast I thought it'd break out of my chest. We weren't stupid, we used a condom. She told me she was on the pill. Of course, there's no way to guarantee you won't get pregnant besides not having heterosexual sex, but I couldn't comprehend it. 

How the hell was I the outlier? The 2% chance of pregnancy with protected sex. And the one time it happens to me is the first, and now likely the last, time I would ever be having casual sex. 

Could I raise a child? I had always thought about it, having my own children. Of course, this wasn't the circumstances I thought of but-No! No, of course not! I was 23, working with the FBI, called away on long hours, gone for days at a time, occasionally even weeks. I was socially awkward, and kid's hated me. Hell, adults hated me too! Sleeping with Lucille was a fluke, one that ended in a fluke too. 

The baby, Cassiopeia, cooed from her carrier, and I dropped the letter, rushing down to the small creature. She clenched her tiny fists and opened her eyes, and my face contorted into shock. They were hazel like mine. I don't know why it surprised me, her mother had green eyes, incredibly rare, and hazel eyes were a more dominant gene. Of course, she would have my eyes. But knowing that, knowing the fact that hazel eyes were dominant over green eyes, and seeing it happen in-in my child? It changed things. 

Tiny fists shook oddly near hazel eyes and when she saw me she cooed again, then she yawned. I slowly, carefully, took her out of her carrier, holding her head for support as I had once read to do. I leaned against the wall, holding the baby, slowly waking up in my arms, and I thought about what Lucille had written. 

_I only ask that you give it time... Give it the same amount of time I did._

I carefully, more cautious than I'd ever been in my life, reached into the bag with the drowsy baby in my arms and grabbed the birth certificate. September 1st, 2005 was her birthdate. 

Sure enough, Lucille was listed as the mother, I was listed as the father, and her name was printed down as Cassiopeia Alma Reid. Cassiopeia-her name was a mouthful-in my arms, seeing my name printed as her father, only beginning to comprehend everything I had just learned, I pulled out my phone and put it up to my ear, listening to the quiet ringing. 

"SSA Aaron Hotchner," A deep voice came through the other end. 

"Hotch," I said, and he cut me off. 

"Reid? Are you okay?" He asked, having just seen me forty minutes ago I'm sure he was confused as to why I was calling. 

"Yes, I'm..." I didn't know what to say. "Um, I was just wondering how much vacation I had saved up?"

"You haven't taken any vacation in the nearly two years you've worked here, you have three weeks of paid time off."

"I need to take it if that's okay."

Hotch didn't answer at first, and I thought he might ask me why I suddenly needed 21 days off of work when just this morning he had to pry me away from my desk. 

"Of course, we'll call you in if there's an emergency. Are you sure you're okay, Spencer?"

"I'm fine, I'm just having a family emergency. Thank you, Hotch. Have a good night."

I hung up before he could say more, setting my phone down on the ground, collapsing the antenna.

Cassiopeia, Cassie, I decided, started to cry and I did quick guesswork, she didn't smell or have a wet diaper, she only just woke up so she probably wasn't tired, and the only other thing she should be crying for is food. I prepared a bottle, doing it from memory after reading a parenting book at the pediatrician when I was 10, and sat on the couch with her, slowly feeding her. She took the bottle gratefully, no unhappiness coming from her. I smiled despite myself, despite the absolute insanity of the situation, and held her up, tapping her back lightly to burp her. 

Maybe this wouldn't be as hard as I thought it would be. 

She burped up the formula on my shirt and couch. 

Or maybe it would be just as hard as I thought. 


	2. Exception to the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty-one days has never gone by quicker, and Spencer needs to make a decision.

On that first day, less than an hour after Cassie arrived at my apartment, I came to the realization that I had no idea what I was doing. I was not equipped to handle this situation, so I, obviously, did what I would do for any other occurrence. I'd research. I put her car seat in my Volvo, wondering if this was the type of car I should have if I was raising a child. Old cars weren't known for their safety. Despite my anxiety about it, head mulling over the things I knew about safety precautions, I didn't have much of a choice, and I drove five below the speed limit the whole time. 

She cooed in the backseat and at the stop sign, I glanced in the rearview mirror, placing a hand on her foot and tugging it lightly. I looked forwards and pulled into the bookstore parking lot, taking her carrier out of the car and bringing her in. 

I left with so many books, I thought I'd need a new bookshelf. 

* * *

There are certain rules that fit everything in the world. One of them is that perfection is fake, nothing can be naturally, or even unnaturally, perfect. Another rule was that there is an exception to every rule.

On the sixth day of having Cassie, I held her in my lap, the television humming in the background, and watched her eyes close slowly until she fell asleep in my arms. I was exhausted-Lucille had been right about our sleeping being similar, both waking in odd hours of the night, but it didn't curb the drowsiness from suddenly taking care of another human being. But still, looking down at Cassie in my arms, tiny lips slightly open and chest rising and falling with each breath, a single scene bringing me so much peace, I felt I had found the exception to the rule against perfection. 

I stood slowly, wanting to keep her in my arms but knowing the dangers if I were to fall asleep holding her, and I placed her in the crib I had bought when I got books. 

I prided myself on having the answers to everything, and for once in my life, I had no idea what to do. This baby was mine, and she was... perfect. She had the same eyes as me and the smallest brushing of brown hair on top of her pale head. She was so chubby and her grip was so tight when I gave her my fingers. I felt this love, this adoration, that I didn't know was possible. 

But, I couldn't give her the life she deserved. Not really. I worked odd hours in a dangerous job. Kids didn't tend to like me, even if Cassie was seeming to be the exception to that rule as well, and I didn't know the first thing about parenting. Though, that was also the case for all new parents.

The baby monitor Lucille had left in the diaper bag for me erupted to life after an hour, Cassie crying for company. I rushed to the crib, taking her in my arms and muttering what I hoped was soothing sounds. She calmed down quickly after being picked up and I saw her down on the couch again, rocking her back and forth. I grabbed a toy from the floor, they were already littering my apartment, and held it in front of her. Her stocky arms reached, trying to grasp at the bright colors but dropping them onto her belly. Her chubby fingers weren't strong enough to actually hold anything yet. 

I laughed, again in awe at this creature that I helped create. It wasn't a feat, 385,000 babies are born per day, but it felt so different from an everyday occurrence. 

Realization struck me suddenly, I _wanted_ to keep her more than anything. The thought of bringing her to a hospital, leaving her there to be adopted by a strange family who knew nothing of her background, felt wrong. How could I do that? I'd known this child for six days, and I already loved her more than Halloween or Chaucer, more than reading or coffee. I'd throw away my PhDs and degrees and my job if I could keep her and give her the life she deserved. 

I loved her so much that I wondered if it was selfish to keep her when there were other people in the world who could give her a better life, more attention, and more security than a 23-year-old single dad who didn't know the first thing about raising a child. 

_But_ , I also knew the statistics of adoption and the foster care system. I'd seen so many kids in such bad places, and logically I knew that those cases were not the rule, but more of the exception. It seemed like logic didn't apply when I thought about Cassie though. My mind was clouded and I was biased, I didn't know if I could give her the life she deserved or if she really was better off with me, but I had no one to ask.

For the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do. 

* * *

Logically, I understood that no matter the events that occur within a day, twenty-four hours are not shorter or longer at any given time. 

Illogically, I had a hard time believing I was on the 17th day of my 21 day leave, starting to believe that some days there must be at least thirty, and others day must only last ten. 

When I woke up on the 18th day of my leave I didn't want to think about going back to work. Hotch had called me once, a week ago to consult on a case they were working on in Austin, Texas, and though he didn't say anything he knew something was off. I rushed off the phone when Cassie started to cry, giving a flimsy excuse and a promise I'd talk to him when I got back to work. 

Cassie and I had, somehow, developed a rhythm. She made different cries when she wanted different things, she cried softly and at a lower tone when she was tired, and loudly, ear-splitting, when she was hungry. She didn't really cry but rather whined when she wanted to be held or needed a change that I couldn't smell. She liked her cool colored toys much better than the warm ones, and if I tried to take my fingers out of her grasp to make her a bottle, all hell would break loose. 

She didn't like being away from me, and frankly, the feeling was mutual. But even with her crib being so near my bed it was still too far and she often refused to fall asleep unless she was in my arms. There was some kind of fear I had when I couldn't see her, that she'd simply disappear. Like she was all a hallucination that would leave if I wasn't careful. 

The same was true tonight, as I rocked her to sleep around 6 o'clock, having just finished burping her. I learned that cotton kitchen rags were the best burp rags I had, and that laundry was a much more common occurrence now. When she closed her eyes finally I continued to rock her for another ten minutes before placing her in her crib, turn on the baby monitor, and stepping out of the room and into the kitchen. 

I collapsed onto the wooden chair, feeling exhaustion set in my shoulders. I wasn't prepared to go back to work yet. I hadn't worked out a nanny, just a babysitter wouldn't do with my hours, in-home or out. I needed to go shopping, I was running out of food and I wanted to get a head start buying more formula, and I hadn't showered in weeks. 

I wasn't sure which revelation brought upon the tears, but before I realized it I was sobbing, tears streaming down my face freely and snot building in my nose. I didn't think even Cassie had cried this much, but I didn't do anything to stop it, just trying to stay quiet as to not disturb her. 

I didn't have to try and stop, though, as a quiet knock came at my door and I froze, tears stopping in their place. The last time someone knocked on my door they left a baby, though I was sure that was an outlier occurrence. It was likely a member of my team, trying to bring me in for a case. 

I downed the glass of water I had left on the table, wiping away my tears and hoping the low lighting was enough to hide the redness on my face, and I opened the door. 

Surprisingly, it wasn't anyone from the team. It was Mrs. Hendrickson from apartment 26, across the hallway, a large dish in her hand and a warm smile on her face. I stood there for a full minute, at least, before she pushed me to the side and walked in, not saying anything about the toys scattered around the floor. She went through my cupboards, grabbing a plate and fork, placing a decent serving of what looked like spaghetti onto the plate and setting it on the table, motioning for me to sit. I did as she asked and stared blankly at the food in front of me, and she sucked her teeth, sighing. 

"Eat, dear, you need food as much as the little one." She said, voice warm. She sat down next to me, pulling a book out of her large bag and reading while I watched her. She raised her eyebrows and I began eating, and she smiled. "There you go," She said, patting my hand while I began to wolf down the warm meal. 

"I-" I started to speak, though I wasn't sure what I was going to say. "Um, thank you?" I settled on and she laughed gently. 

"No need to thank me, dear, but you are very welcome. Now, how about I wash the dishes and you tell me what's happening?"

I tried to protest, get up and do the dishes on my own-not that there were many-but she pushed me back in my seat, surprisingly strong for a woman who was well into her 60s. Her hands were wrinkled and her nails were painted a bright, sparkly red color. She started the dishes, filling up the sink with sudsy, steaming water. 

I didn't say anything, though I could feel all my thoughts bubbling up, I hadn't spoken to an adult in weeks, not including the fifteen-minute consult I did with the team on the 11th day of my leave. She looked over her shoulder, seeing my hands tap nervously on the table and she gave me a tight smile. 

"Boy or girl?" She prompted. 

"Girl," I said. "She's almost a month and a half. Her name is Cassie."

"Pretty name," She said, turning back to do the dishes. "I haven't seen her mother around at all. Care to talk about it?"

"I don't know her mom, not really." I frowned, wondering why I was telling her this. We spoke occasionally when I first moved into the complex a few years ago, but our conversations lessoned when my hours got odder and we hadn't spoken in four months. "I was guest lecturing two hours upstate when I met her, she was attending the lecture. We went out for drinks and ended up at my hotel room." I said, willingly telling my elderly next-door neighbor about my sex life, but neither of us seemed entirely bothered about it.

"We weren't stupid," I added. "We used protection. But condoms only have a 98% effectivity rate, and apparently, we fell into the 2% of people who experience faulty protection. I didn't... I didn't even know she was pregnant. We agreed it was just supposed to be a one-night thing, then we'd move on. I'd come back to Quantico and she'd do whatever the hell she does. 

"Then, 18 days ago, there was a knock on my door when I came back from a case. When I opened the door there was a carrier, a diaper bag, and a carry-on. Cassie had a letter on her stomach! Lucille, her mother, found out she was pregnant in the second trimester, and she wasn't going to contact me. She was just going to raise her on her own, _maybe_ reaching out to me later. But she said she couldn't do it, and after three weeks she tracked me down and left Cassie at the door. Nothing but a fucking letter to explain it! I mean, who fucking does that?"

My confusion and turmoil were changing to the frustration that I had yet to vent. 

"She told me she wouldn't be mad if I gave her up for adoption, but that she wanted me to at least try for as long as she did, three weeks. What if I wasn't home, or she got the wrong apartment? Just leaving our child outside and hoping for the best?" I ran my hands through my hair, it was so greasy. "What if I couldn't get off of work? Couldn't find a sitter? I was lucky to have vacation time because I've never taken time off in the nearly three years I've worked at that fucking job! But now I have to go back in three days and I haven't even thought about where to find a nanny who will be able to care for a child with my entirely unreasonable hours!"

"So, you're keeping her?" Mrs. Hendrickson asked calmly, not looking up from where she was finishing the dishes. 

"Yes!" I said, then blinked harshly. I didn't know I had made the decision yet, but I answered with such finality as there was absolutely no room for discussion. "Er-I-I think so," I added quietly. "I'm not very good at this, I don't think." I bit my lip, and I could feel tears stinging my eyes, waiting to fall. 

She dried her hands quickly and sat down next to me, placing her hands on top of mine. "Tell me why you think that?"

"I-I just don't know what I'm doing! I feel like I'm doing everything wrong," As if on cue, the baby monitor crackled to life, Cassie crying from her crib. She was hungry. I grabbed a bottle and quickly put it in the microwave, rushing into the room to grab her and bring her out. By the time we came back into the kitchen, the microwave was about to beep and I pressed stop, ending it before it could ding shrilly. I tested the liquid on my hand before putting the bottle to her mouth. She took it gladly, taking about two ounces before pulling back and I put the bottle in the fridge, burping her. 

Mrs. Hendrickson hadn't moved from her spot, and she smiled up at me while I whispered to Cassie. She fell back asleep quickly, and I almost laughed. She was already a bit like me, waking up from sleep just for food before falling immediately back asleep. I put her in her crib and rushed back out, apologizing to my neighbor but being cut off quickly. 

"You are the dumbest genius that has ever existed, Dear." She said, sitting me down and handing me a glass of water, resuming her work on the dishes. 

I was affronted at that. What had I done? I tried to ask, but she didn't let me speak. 

"No one knows what they're doing when they have a child, and normally they have nine months to prepare. You didn't have nine-seconds. You know, I have never heard that baby cry for more than five minutes at a time. I was not quite so skilled at calming children down when I had my babies."

I muttered a meek thank you, and she continued. 

"Listen, Spencer," She said, putting away my dishes and I was so grateful I could cry. "You were dealt a shit hand, but you're making the best of it. And you're doing wonderfully, son. No one ever knows what they're doing, no one is a good parent, to begin with, but you're as close to an exception as they come." 

I felt tears flow from my eyes freely and she sighed, pulling me in for a hug I didn't think I wanted but apparently needed based on the way my crying grew louder when she patted my back. 

"Thank you..." I sobbed. "So much,"

"Oh, don't thank me, dear. Now go take a shower. I can clean up a bit. I don't want to see you until you get a nice, long shower. I'll take care of Cassie. And when you get out we can discuss childcare options for you. How does that sound?"

I nodded quickly, using my sleeves to wipe away tears for the second time of the night. Before I turned to gather clothes I hugged her again, surprising her at my initiating contact, and thanked her. 

She just smiled, pushing me off the shower, and I could hear her humming quietly to a song I didn't know but wish I did.


	3. All Work No Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer returns to work to have a conversation with Hotch and a confrontation with the rest of team. Separation anxiety is a bitch.

Walking into the Quantico offices for the first time in three weeks, my chest constricted. I checked my phone for the 17th time since I left home, expecting a message relaying disaster, but, of course, found nothing. 

Mrs. Hendrickson was a saint, I was certain, and she made a deal with me. I would look for a nanny who could take care of Cassie during my regularly scheduled hours but until I could find a permanent nanny she would take over the role, and she would continue to take Cassie whenever I was called in for a case, watching her in the times I would normally be home once I found a nanny. She tried to do it for a ridiculous wage, and I doubled it, refusing to let her care for a child with next to no salary. Even after doubling it, it was still cheap childcare, but she refused to take more. I could afford it, the Bureau paid well, and I could never take advantage of her like that.

I was alone in the elevator, and when I blinked I nearly fell asleep. I didn't sleep last night, fears of being away from Cassie creeping in. I spent most of the night watching over her, memorizing every bit of her chubby face, even though I'd done that the first time I met her. I barely realized the elevator doors had opened, and I rushed out to my desk, throwing my satchel in my chair and making a move to the kitchen to get coffee-I didn't think I could miss coffee that tasted like dirt, but here I was-when Hotch walked in front of me. 

"Reid," He said, stoic as ever. "Welcome back. Let's go have a chat."

I frowned, looking past him to the kitchen, but nodded, letting him guide me up the steps to his office. He closed the door behind us and motioned for me to sit, which I did, tapping my foot wildly on the floor. 

"How are you? Did you handle your family emergency?"

I hesitated. "Yes," I said. "I figured everything out."

He frowned, folding his hands in front of him. "Reid," He said sternly. "You're not a very good liar when you're nervous. You've been odd since you asked for time off. Care to explain?"

"Not really?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders in an attempt to grow smaller. 

"Reid. I need to trust you, we all need to trust you on this team. Now, the rest of the team doesn't know you've been acting weird, I just told them you had a family emergency. But they will notice your behavior as soon as you walk out of my office. You don't need to tell them what it is that has you so on edge, but you need to tell me. I need to be able to vouch for your ability to function in the field. What is happening?"

I opened my mouth and then felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I apologized quietly, and pulled it out, fearful of what would be on the tiny screen. It wasn't anything to fear though, just a blurry picture of Cassie with a toy on her belly, laying on her back and staring up with wide eyes at the mobile above her. I smiled and didn't try to hide it. 

"This is why I've been off, Sir," I said, handing him my phone. I watched his face carefully as he brought the phone closer to his face, examining the pixelated picture. He was good at hiding his emotions, but the shock was clear as day, and he handed me back the phone. 

"I was not aware you were in a relationship, or that you were expecting. You know paternity leave is included in your contract, not much, but you wouldn't have had to use all your time off."

"I-It's a complicated situation. I'm not in a relationship," I said, looking down at my hands. I didn't regret Cassie, but I didn't enjoy essentially telling everyone how she was conceived. "I didn't know I was expecting until she was already here. Her mother dropped her off with a note on the day I called you."

"September 22nd," He said, and I nodded. 

"Listen, Hotch, I am fine, and you can trust me. I just need time to adjust to coming back here and knowing I have someone waiting for me back home. Hayley's pregnant, about to have your son any day now, you should know how I feel?" I tried to appeal to his human side, something he hadn't shown but I was sure was hidden somewhere beneath his stoic exterior. 

"I don't," He said. "Not in that way."

"You will."

He nodded slowly. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Just tell me how you want to approach this matter with the team and I'll follow your lead."

I had thought about this for the past three weeks, especially in the past three days when I confirmed to myself that I couldn't give up Cassie. "I won't be telling them. I trust them with my life, but not with Cassie's. Not yet. I'm sure you have seen how I don't quite get on with the team in the same way they get along with each other. I'll tell them when I'm ready to relay that information to them, but until then I ask that you keep this between the two of us."

He nodded quickly, motioning for me to leave his office. I was nearly out the door when he cleared his throat. 

"Spencer," He said, demanding my attention with his voice. "Congratulations, she's beautiful."

"Thank you," I said, which felt very odd. I had helped make her, but it still felt weird to thank him for telling me something else was beautiful. "Good luck with Hayley. You'll be a great father." 

He nodded once and I rushed out of the office, going to my desk and immediately getting caught up on my paperwork. When the team learned I was having a 'family emergency' they were nice enough to take some of my files, finishing them so I only had a small pile to do now. 

"Spence!" JJ's voice rang through the bullpen when she left her office. "I didn't know you'd be back!" 

JJ was my only friend on the team. She was the only person in the world to call me Spence, and I immediately felt guilty for not telling her about Cassie. 

"Hi, JJ," I smiled, accepting her hug when she got close. "How're you?"

"How am I?" She laughed a bit. "You've been gone nearly a month with some unknown emergency. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said curtly, then relaxed. "I'm fine, just some problems with family. I've figured it all out now though."

She looked confused but didn't press. "Well, I'm glad you're doing good. Hey, I've gotta go talk to Hotch but we'll grab coffee later? I want to catch up!" She called to me and I nodded, giving her a tightlipped smile. 

I rushed through paperwork, ignoring Morgan's teasing about the heavy bags under my eyes or Elle's paper balls she tossed at me, just working to finish that so I could move on my search for a nanny, and for someone else. As soon as I finished I jumped up, running to Penelope Garcia's office. I didn't know her well, but I think she had something going on with Morgan. 

I knocked twice on her door before letting myself in. She was sat at her computer screens, hair in pigtails and bright blue makeup smeared over her eyes. 

"Hey, there, boy genius," She smiled. "Glad to have you back. What can I do you for?" She pushed a bowl of lollipops towards me and I took a blueberry one, tossing the wrapper before I asked for help. 

"Are you busy right now?"

"On the contrary, I finished all my work in fifteen minutes of getting here! It was a miracle, Reid, I'm telling you! Now I just have busy work to do, but that can be held off. What do you need?"

"Would you mind doing a background check on two people for me? And finding an address for another?"

She looked confused but turned to her screens. "What's this for?" She asked, taking a slip of paper with two names on it. "Consulting on a case or what?"

"It's a... _personal_ reason. I just need a basic background check, if that's okay?"

She tutted her tongue but nodded, typing at lightning speed and printing out papers for me, five in total. "And there are the life stories of the two you asked me to check, and what's the name you need for the address?"

"Uh, Lucille. Lucille Prescott."

She typed the name in and frowned. "I'm getting a large number of hits on that. Any other information?"

"She goes to college two hours upstate, in Frederick County?"

She continued typing but looked suspicious. "What's this for, Reid? Don't get me wrong, I'm totally here to help, it just is a little worrying that you're looking for a college girl's address."

"I _am_ college-aged, Garcia. But she's uh, a friend. She left something at my house and I need to mail it back." I lied, and Penelope stopped typing, spinning her chair around to face me. 

I was sure she was going to call me out on lying, but instead she had a grin on her face. "Doctor Reid, is Lucille a booty-call?"

"'Booty-call?'" I asked, confused at the phrase. 

"A one night stand, someone you been callin' for some lovin'?"

I blushed red, and she squealed. 

"Oh, my god! I can't believe _you_ have one-night stands!"

_I don't anymore_

"What'd she leave? I want details."

"She just left something important, and she sent me a letter about it," I told half-lies and half-truths. "But she forgot to put a return address on it and I need to get back to her. Do you have an address or not?"

"You're not fun," She grumbled, scribbling out the address and handing it to me like it was nothing. To her, I supposed, it was. 

"Well, we knew that Baby Girl," Derek's voice came from behind me, and I resisted the urge to flinch. "What's making you come to the realization now?"

"Spencer had a one night st-"

"Garcia!" I yelled, cutting her off, but it was too late. 

" _Pretty Boy!_ " Derek grinned, and I glared. "Didn't think you had any game, but I guess I was wrong. Tell me about your lovely lady?"

"There's nothing to tell," I said, trying to walk past him but he blocked the doorway. "Can you let me out?" I begged, and he laughed. 

"Is that what those bags are from? Baggin' pretty ladies all night?"

"Man, just get out of my way," I demanded, and his face changed quickly. He had been teasing, with what he believed was no malice, but my frustration brought him out of it and he stepped aside, letting me rush past him. No matter how fast I walked away I heard him and Penelope whispering furiously.

I sat down at my desk and wished I hadn't gone through my paperwork so quickly, separation anxiety was starting to set it. I took my phone out of my pocket and texted Mrs. Hendrickson. 

_Spencer Reid - > Dorothy Hendrickson_

_-_ Hi, Mrs. Hendrickson! Sorry to bother you, I just wanted to check in and see how everything was going? Thank you for the photo!

_Dorothy Hendrickson - > Spencer Reid_

_-_ Separation anxiety?

-Put the phone away and focus on work. All is well here, Cassie will be happy to see you tonight. Seven more hours!

I sighed when I read the messages, but knew she was right. There was nothing I could do but focus on work, put away my phone, and trust that Cassie was in great hands. Great hands that made great spaghetti.

The day crawled on and I was back on my theory that some days really did have more hours in them than originally thought. I could've sworn I'd already been at work for three days when lunch came. JJ tried to bring me to lunch, talk about what we'd miss from each other in the past few weeks, but I couldn't lie to her. The second we started to talk I knew I'd spill, telling her everything. 

Luckily, my phone rang before I could respond and I told her it was related to my family emergency, that I wasn't able to join her today and I grabbed papers off of my desk, rushing into a recently emptied office. The phone call was spam, but it gave me the excuse I needed to leave. Instead, I called Mrs. Hendrickson, who answered before the second ring. 

"Hello?"

"Hi! Hello," I cleared my throat "Hi, sorry to bother you, Mrs. Hendrickson. I just, I'm on my lunch and I thought I would just check in and-"

I was cut off by laughter, and I shrugged in on myself. "Stop calling me Mrs. Hendrickson, son. I told you, call me Dorothy. And you don't have to explain yourself-even if I do recall telling you to put your phone away?" She tutted. "Cassie is perfect, but I do think she misses you. No case yet?"

"No ma'am- _Dorothy_. No cases, I should be home at five. I've narrowed it down to two nannies, I'm about to look at their information and contact them."

"Good job, dear." She said, and I could hear cooing in the background and felt my shoulders relax. Proof of life, in a way. "Now, I know it's hard, spending all your time with her and then suddenly being thrust back into work, but know that Cassie is doing wonderful, and if I thought for even a second that something was off I would call you. Try and focus on your job, and I'll see you in about five hours. Hm?"

I agreed, trying to calm my nerves once again. She hung up, only after I heard Cassie rattling toys in the background, and I looked to the files Garcia had given me. 

They were what I had expected. Each college-aged girls, no juvenile or other record. Good grades, good financials, good everything. They were entirely average, which was perfect. When I got knit picky, looking at the specifics to narrow it down, I saw one of the girls, named Kate, was earning her Bachelors in Early Childhood Education. She was definitely the one I was going to call. 

The phone rang until it ultimately sent me to voicemail, which wasn't surprising. It was the middle of the day, she was probably at school or work. 

"Hello, this is Kate Jenson, sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name, number, and message at the beep!" Very professional, I thought. 

At the beep, I began speaking, and I saw Gideon walking to the empty office I had taken over. "Hi, hello, Kate!" I said, growing nervous as Gideon got closer. "This is Spencer Reid, I got your information through the nannying website. I was wondering if you'd be available anytime soon to talk? I have an infant who needs care while I go away to work and-"

Gideon walked in and I flushed, putting a hand up to show him I just needed a minute. 

"Um, and I'm rambling! Sorry, just get back to me at your convenience, this is Spencer Reid, R-E-I-D at 702-555-0103. Thanks!"

I hung up my phone and looked to Gideon who had seated himself in a chair opposite from mine. 

"So, are you going to tell me, or do I have to pretend I don't know what's going on?" He asked, nonchalantly. 

I knew he somehow figured it out, he always knew, and I didn't resist it.

"I-" I didn't know how to start. "I have a daughter." He did a much better job than Hotch at hiding his shock, but it was still traced on his features. "Cassiopeia, or Cassie. I was calling about a nanny."

"You'll tell me the rest sometime soon, over a game of chess." He shrugged, standing up to leave. "Get some sleep, you look rough." He said, turning away before I could respond. 

Well, that was two out of six in a matter of three hours. How long could I really expect to hide this from a team of the best minds? As long as I could, I supposed. 


	4. A New Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hayley goes into labor, Hotch is on paternity leave, and Spencer brings much appreciated coffee and a little girl who to meet the Hotchner's.

"Get out of here!" Garcia grinned, shooing Hotch away to the elevator, and he had the biggest grin I'd ever seen on his face. I didn't know it was possible for him to smile that big. Hayley had their baby, a healthy boy named Jack, three days ago and he was stopping in during his paternity leave to gather some personal items, and show off pictures, of course. I wanted to do the same, but I wasn't ready for that. The team barely talked to me, really, only for a case or to poke fun, and I didn't think they'd handle the socially awkward 23-year-old suddenly pulling out a photo album and showing them pictures of a baby. I only had one photo of her on me, a wallet picture nestled beneath my ID. 

"Who woulda thought Hotch could smile?" Elle asked, nudging me and nodding to where the elevator doors were closing. "I figured he got those muscles removed."

I snorted. "You know it makes use of 17 muscles to smile, but 43 to frown," I said. "I think he's just working out."

She laughed loudly, going back to her work. I pulled out my phone and texted Kate, my nanny. We had worked out hours, wage, and where she would watch her, the night I had called her and she started two days later, I was more than thankful. I brought her a coffee at least twice a week, even if it was cutting into my budget, but I didn't know how else to thank her. She was really nice, didn't make me feel uncomfortable, and didn't seem to be uncomfortable because of me. She was my age, a year older, but didn't make me feel odd about having an infant when the mother was obviously not present. Something about being her peer made us both more comfortable, I figured. Normally people won't seek care for children until they reach three months, but I didn't have much of a choice, getting care for Cassie at just under two months old. 

_Spencer Reid - > Kate Jenson_

_-_ Hello, Kate! I'll be getting off of work a bit early, so you can leave around 3:30 instead of 5. Thank you!

_Kate Jenson - > Spencer Reid_

_-_ Sounds good! She's been an angel all day :)

I smiled at the message and turned back to my paperwork, anxious to finish my work and get home. It was 2:30, and I was already done with the brunt of my work, I just wasn't allowed to leave until it was actually 3:30. 

I left my desk and followed Garcia to her office. 

"Boy wonder!" She cried, using one of her dozens of nicknames. "How might you be on this wonderful day? Oh! Did you see the pictures of Hotch's baby? He's a little G-Man!"

"Yes," I said and felt oddly sad. Lucille had put in one picture of Cassie from the day she was born, Lucille's face halfway cut out of the picture and just focused on the baby on her chest, but other than the photo I don't have any photos of Cassie as a newborn, no memories of her first days because I wasn't apart of them. "He's really cute."

"Do you ever think about that?" She asked, twirling a pink pen in her fingers. "Having tiny geniuses running around one day?"

I coughed, not expecting that. If she noticed my shock she didn't say anything. "No one to have them with," I shrugged, which was technically true, if not dodging the question. 

"What about Lucille?" She said, and I froze.

"What-"

"You asked me for her address, Genius. I figured it was more than a one night stand."

"It was just one night. We slept together and that was that, I just had to respond to her letter after she left something at my apartment."

Garcia didn't look convinced, but she didn't say anything. 

"So? If Lucille wasn't just one night, or if you had someone else, would you have kids?"

"Yes," I said, too certain to not arouse suspicion. 

"Interesting," She said, and I could see her mind moving a mile a minute. This tech girl was terrifying. "Now, what brings you to my bat cave?"

"Oh, I was just done with all my paperwork for the day, and I'm leaving in an hour to-" I cut myself off. "To go to an appointment. Elle was still doing work and JJ was in her office."

"So, I'm your third choice?"

"Yeah! Wait, no!" I said, horrified. "I didn't mean that! But, you know JJ and I are friends, and Elle and I are... I don't know, acquaintances? I don't know you as well as the others, but you're nice to me."

"Of course I'm nice to you," She said, handing me a cherry sucker that I took gratefully. "You have given me no reason to dislike you, with your funky little facts and floppy hair." She smiled and I blushed. She leaned in closer like she was going to tell me a secret. "Wanna get out of here? I'll alter our time cards so it says we were here longer?"

Normally I'd say no. Normally I'd have to be dragged away from my desk. But things weren't normal anymore. I nodded quickly and she grinned, typing fast before taking my wrist and pulling me out, loudly announcing our departure despite the fact that we weren't supposed to be gone yet. 

"Come on, Boy Wonder, I'll give you a ride." She said, nodding over to her car, a vintage car she had named Esther. I tried to say no, but she dragged me to the car, instructing me to put on my seat belt, and I did. 

She took a left, going to my apartment. I hadn't given her the address, but she knew where we all lived, the perps of being in front of the screen. 

Kate was waiting at my apartment, and Cassie was probably down for her nap. My phone started ringing and without looking at it I answered it. 

"Doctor Reid, here."

"Hey, Doc!" Kate's voice rang through the phone, and I tried to turn down my volume, ensuring Penelope couldn't hear. 

"Kate, is everything okay?" She never called me during the day, and I was worried. I felt Garcia look over when I said Kate. 

"Oh, yeah, totally! Sorry, I probably could've texted this, I just wanted to make sure you knew. Cassie's down right now, I just put her to sleep about ten minutes ago. But I figured since you were getting off of work early it might be good if you would run to the store before you come home? She's running low on diapers and she only has enough wipes to last the rest of the night."

"Diapers and wipes," I whispered, nodding my head. "No problem, I can do that. I'll be there soon, I got off of work earlier than anticipated."

"Perfect!" She said, and I could see her smile. I didn't know someone could be so enthusiastic. "See you soon, Doc!" There was a slight click, and I slowly turned to look at Garcia. 

"Who's Kate?" She basically yelled in my ear, and I cringed at the volume. 

"What do you mean?"

"Kate? You said, 'Kate, is everything okay?' and then you said, 'Diapers and wipes.' Who's Kate and why does she need you to know about diapers and wipes?"

"I didn't say, Kate, I said, 'hey.'" I lied. "It was Hotchner. I told him I would stop by with some coffee for him and Hayley and he asked me for a favor."

"Hotch is not the kind of guy to ask for favors. What's going on?"

"Exactly what I told you. Will you drop me off at the store instead of my apartment?"

"How about I go with you?" I tried to protest but she cut me off. "We both know you aren't winning this one, the store is a thirty-minute walk from your apartment."

I didn't say anything the rest of the ride, and she trailed close behind me when I dashed into the store, grabbing the same diapers and wipes I always did, as well as lots of coffee. I figured I'd divide it half and half, giving the Hotchner's some and keeping the rest for me. They weren't the only one's with a baby, I needed caffeine too.

Garcia watched me intently, noting the way I didn't hesitate and knew what to grab. She didn't say anything though, as we checked out and went back to her car. The rest of our drive was silent until she pulled up to the parking lot of my apartment complex. 

"Are you-" She spoke quickly, as always, but then slowed down. "Are you okay, Reid? You've been off since you took a vacation for that family emergency. You seem different..."

"I'm fine," I said, giving her what we both knew wasn't a real smile. She opened her mouth but closed it again. 

"Can I give you a hug?" She asked, and it was obvious she was trying not to leap at me already. 

Normally I'd say no, tell her I didn't need or want one, that hugs were not my thing and I didn't like the physical contact. But instead, I heard my cracking voice say, "Please," and she made a sad sound, leaping at me and pulling me into the biggest hug I'd ever received. It took everything I had not to break down further, and I pulled away before I thought I'd never leave her arms. I got out of the car silently, turning to her before I left. 

"Thank you,"

"For the ride?" She asked, both of us knew it wasn't because of the ride. 

"Yeah, for the ride," I said, and she gave me a sad smile, driving off while I marched up the steps to my home.

* * *

I put my keys in the lock, but before I could even turn them Kate opened the door, a wide smile on her face. "Hey, Doc!" She said. 

I laughed a bit, it was weird being friendly with someone my age and who wasn't my colleague. JJ was the one closest in age to me, and she was still older by a few years. 

"Hey, Kate, Cassie's still asleep?" I asked, putting away diapers and coffee. She confirmed, moving around the apartment to pick up her things that had scattered as the day went on. 

"So, what brings you home so early?"

"My boss's wife had their baby, he's on paternity leave and I finished all my work for the day so I figured I'd come home early. I miss Cassie, and I told my boss that I'd bring him coffee so he could survive a newborn."

"Ah, bossman has a baby and the office goes rogue," She laughed, putting her bag over her arm. "Well, if that's all then I'm out of here. Cassie just went down about half an hour ago, so you know the deal. I'll see you tomorrow!" 

I waved and she showed herself out. I brought the baby monitor with me in the bathroom, taking a quick shower, and changing out of work attire. I gathered the coffee and by the time I had everything ready Cassie was waking out of her nap, ready to eat. I held her and gave her her bottle absentmindedly, going through a mental checklist of everything I needed to go see Hotch. He knew I was stopping by to meet Jack, he had invited me and Cassie, but he didn't know I was bringing coffee. He didn't know how much he would need it. I think he was trying to build a personal rapport with me because I also had a child, opposed to Gideon, whose son was an adult, or anyone else on the team who weren't parents.

"Are you ready, sweet-pea?" I asked, and of course, she didn't answer, but just burped onto the rag on my shoulder. I tossed it to the hamper and put her in her carrier, going out to my car. The ride was quick, as we lived surprisingly close to each other. 

When I knocked on the door there was no answer for a moment, before I could hear Hayley faintly yell for me to come in. I did as she asked, setting down the bag so I could grasp the door and let myself in. 

"Reid!" Hotch said, sitting on the couch and looking at the sleeping baby in his arms. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Thank you for inviting me over, I brought some gifts." I held up the coffee in one hand and showed Cassie in her carrier. 

"Spencer," Hayley's voice came from behind me, fake anger in it. "I know you didn't bring another baby into my home when we're losing it over one."

I laughed a bit, apologizing and she gave me a hug that I didn't tense at as much as I normally would, cooing at Cassie for a moment before going over to Hotch. 

"I brought coffee," I said. "If that makes it better? You both look great, for having a three day old." I sat down on a chair adjacent to their couch, taking Cassie into my arms. 

"You're my favorite," Hotch said, dead-serious. "Do you want a raise? Is that it? I will give you a raise," 

I laughed, and so did Hayley. "I just wanted to make sure you were handling everything okay. Coffee is going to be your best friend, but it'll get easier. She's not sleeping through the nights yet, but her sleep schedule is so much better than when I got her." I said, going to the kitchen to make coffee for them. They didn't stop me or try to assist, figuring I could do it. When I came back they had put Jack in a bassinet next to the couch, the machine rocking him slowly. I put Cassie in her carrier and rocked her slightly, giving them each a cup of coffee and grabbing myself one too. 

"How are you guys?" I asked, sincerely wanting to know. 

"How were you in the first three days of having a baby?" Hayley asked. She looked tired but happy. There was a permanent smile on her face. 

"That bad, huh? Well, Jack is amazing, you guys. He's beautiful."

"Thank you," They both said. They peeked over to look at Cassie, and I picked her up. "And this," I smiled, waving one of her chubby arms. "Is Cassiopeia Reid, and if you'll believe it I didn't pick the name. Call her Cassie."

"Oh, Spencer," Hayley sighed, hand on her chest. "She's beautiful."

"Thank you," I said. "She's got my eyes, I think," I quirked my head to the side, and they both nodded. 

"Hey, Hayley, why don't you get some rest?" Hotch said, patting his wife's arm. "I'll wake you for dinner." 

She looked grateful and got up, kissing Hotch's forehead and waving goodbye to me, before going up the steps. 

"How do you do it?" Hotch asked when she was gone. "Hayley, she's amazing, but we're working fairly evenly and we're still exhausted. How are you doing this on your own?"

"I'm not," I said. "I have a nanny to watch her when I'm at work and my neighbor takes her when we're called away on cases. But before then, when I was on leave, I didn't handle it then. I didn't sleep, I barely ate, I didn't shower for weeks because I couldn't leave her alone."

"That's not what I mean, Reid. You have help, but so do I. I don't mean in terms of watching her, I mean in terms of handling that you are responsible for another human."

I looked at Cassie in my arms and smiled. "Everything I do is based on if it will benefit her. Everything is about making sure I get back to her and she has someone to raise her. Her mother isn't going to do it, and I can't let myself leave her too. Hayley is there for you and Jack, but you still need to do everything that you think is best for him. Whatever it takes to get back to him at the end of the day."

He nodded, and I felt off-balance. I wasn't the one who should be giving him advice, it was normally the other way around. 

"Wanna know a secret?" I said, and he looked amused but nodded. "There is not a single person who is a good parent to start with. You have to learn everything just as Jack learns new things too. An even better secret is that it gets infinitely easier. It's said that it takes 66 days before someone really develops habits and that they become second nature, but this will click much quicker. On my sixth day of having Cassie, I was already doing everything without even thinking about it. It's like breathing, your brain tells you to do it and you don't even notice, just accepting the tasks."

"And coffee?' He asked. "How much money will I spend on coffee?"

"I hope you have a few thousand saved up."


	5. LDSK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer cannot shoot a gun, but he has to learn soon.

The first time I shot a gun, I flipped the safety back on, calmly put it down, walked away, and panicked for the next twenty minutes. I had been 20, starting at the academy, and was told they could waive other requirements, but I needed to at least _learn_ to shoot a gun. It was unnatural. Terrifying, holding something that could kill someone in seconds. 

I wasn't good at it either, I barely passed my qualifications every time they came around again. Hotch had reminded me, time and time again, that as a profiler I didn't need to carry a gun. I told him I already looked like a twelve-year-old, and without a gun, no one took me seriously. He didn't say anything, effectively voicing his agreement, before patting me on the shoulder and walking away. 

I didn't know if I wanted to carry a gun anymore, though. Having a gun in the same house as an infant wasn't something that computed in my mind. Dozens of children are accidentally killed due to improperly stored guns in households every year, even more, injuries occurring. That was all I could think about when I failed my qualifications. Failed qualification meant I wouldn't have a gun in the field, but it also meant I wouldn't have a gun at home. One less thing that could hurt Cassie. One less thing I could fuck up as a parent. Maybe it was for the best. Like Hotch had said, I didn't need to be carrying, and everyone around me would be carrying. It wouldn't be a problem, if anything it was a blessing!

"Hey, we're all here for you," Morgan walked up to my desk, leaning on the barrier between mine and Elle's. I could tell, it was definitely not a blessing. "I'm serious. If you ever need anything," He reached into his pocket, pulling out a whistle on a string, and starting putting it around my neck. He put the whistle in his mouth and blew once quickly. "Just blow on that," He grinned, and I seethed. I ripped the necklace off of me, throwing it off my desk and running my hands through my hair. 

_You don't need a gun to kill someone,_ Hotch's words rang through my head. 

I looked over and Elle was glaring at Morgan, stomping over to his desk and dragging him off while whispering furiously in his ear. Great. Now I couldn't shoot a gun _and_ I couldn't fight my own battles. Derek always referred to JJ as my 'mommy,' which horrified me, but now he'd have another person to torment me about. Elle was just helping me, and I was grateful, but she should've just let it go. That's what I always did. Just let it go. There would be a case soon, and I didn't have time to pout over juvenile teasing. Just let it go. 

* * *

The case was... indescribable. I killed someone. I aimed a gun at someone's head and I didn't think twice before pulling the trigger. Nothing but a dot on his forehead to mark the end of his life, a perfect period at the end of the sentence. And I was congratulated for it. The team patted me on the back and told me good job, that I should be proud of taking someone's life. But I wasn't proud. I didn't-I didn't feel anything. I sat in the back of the ambulance, waiting for the okay so we could get on the jet and I could get back to Cassie, and I tried to feel something for the man's life I took, but I didn't. 

"I hope I didn't hurt you too badly," Hotch said a rare smile on his face. I replicated the smile, though I felt he was more authentic than I. 

"Hotch, I was a 12-year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine-year-old girl." His smile grew, and I tried to give him back the gun I had used to kill Phillip. 

"No, keep it." He said, patting my shoulder. "As far as I'm concerned, you passed your qualifications." He walked off and I put the gun away, focusing on the flashing lights of the ambulance, the crowd of officers doing damage, and crowd control. 

I didn't know I had the phone to my ear until Mrs. Hendrickson's voice came over the other end. 

"Spencer?"

"Dorothy," I said, voice void of emotion. "How's Cassie?"

"She's good, dear, I put her down about half an hour ago. I think she was trying to stay awake to see you, she took a long time to go down."

"I'm sorry," I frowned. She was doing much better lately with her sleep, especially since she passed three months. "I just finished the case, we're getting on the jet in half an hour and I should be back in two hours. I'll just pop in and grab her, get some sleep."

"Oh, dear," She sighed. "Something's wrong. How about I put a pot of coffee on and we can talk about it when you get back?"

It sounded perfect, actually, but I shook my head. "Can I-" My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. "Can I take a rain check? I just... I just really need to hold Cassie and get some sleep. I just need Cassie."

She agreed, hanging up without me saying anything, and I put the phone in my pocket. 

"Hey, pretty boy, you alright?" Morgan ran into me when I left the ambulance. 

I threw the whistle at him. "I'm not a boy," I said, walking off and leaving him to hold that damned whistle. 

* * *

"How are you doing?" Gideon said, taking a seat next to me on the jet. The bruises were starting to develop and when I licked my lips they tasted metallic. 

"You were right," I said, discussing the talk we had had earlier. "You _don't_ need a gun to kill somebody."

"No, you don't."

"But, it helps."

"Yes. It does." He looked upset. 

"I know I should feel bad about what happened. I-I killed a man, I _should_ feel something." I tasted iron. "But I don't,"

"Not knowing what you feel... That's not the same as not feeling anything. This is gonna hit ya, and when it does, there are only three facts you need to know. You did what you had to do. And a lot of good people are alive because of what you did."

I sat there and thought about it. Was there any way I could've talked him down? Not in the moment, but if I'd interjected earlier, it could've prevented another man from losing his life. Had I saved good people? Sure, he would've continued killing. I knew that he would've done it till the day he died, and people would have died if he wasn't arrested or died himself. What if that was happening in Virginia? What if I was at the park with Cassie and he was there?

"What's the third?"

"I'm proud of you. Get some rest when you get home, and hold Cassie close tonight." He said, with a slight shrug, getting up to likely sit near Hotch. 

I sat there for a moment. That wasn't something I heard often, and it meant more coming from Gideon, but it still felt wrong. Being proud of me for killing someone, what kind of world is that?

Morgan got up and took Gideon's spot, looking at me for a moment. "Listen, man, I'm sorry if I upset you earlier," He said, and I noted that he called me 'man,' probably unconsciously thinking about what I said to him prior. 

"I'm not a child, Morgan. I have the same title as you, we do the same job."

He shrugged a bit like he didn't know what to say. When I looked up at him he had a genuine apology written on his face. He did feel bad about the jesting, and I thought maybe something would change around the office. A moment passed and we both knew the time to talk about it was gone. 

"So..." He said, a smile appearing on his face. "Cassie? The pretty boy got a pretty lady?" Back to pretty boy. I could handle that, no malice in his words. Still teasing, but a different kind. Almost the kind two friends would do. 

"Drop it," I said, not amused at the eavesdropping, intentional or not. "Don't bring her up again, and don't mention it to the team. I'm serious." I raised my eyebrows.

He put his hands up in defeat, the smile growing bigger. "Whatever you say, _lover_." He grinned and got up, patting me on the back when he passed me to rejoin the rest of the team, likely trying to get some sleep. I knew I should do the same, but I couldn't sleep. I kept checking my watch, counting down the time until we would land and I could go get Cassie. 

As soon as we landed I jumped out of the seat, noticing Hotch doing the same thing to get to Jack. Paperwork could wait until tomorrow, at least for us. I didn't stop to see if anyone else was leaving before doing their work, just running out to my car and speeding the whole way home. 

I knocked gently on apartment 27, letting myself in. She sat on the couch, an old soap playing in the back and a book in her hand. Cassie was laying in the pack and play, sleeping soundly. 

Mrs. Hendrickson looked up and gave me a hug. I had grown used to the contact with her, she gave me a hug nearly every time I saw her, patting my hand or giving my arm a squeeze when she thought I looked rough-which was most of the time. She pulled away and moved over so I could grab Cassie, breathing in her scent, and feeling her warmth. She was wearing a _Rollie Pollie Ollie_ onesie, something Mrs. Hendrickson had given to her a few weeks ago that was already looking tight. 

"Thank you," Was all I said and she nodded, ushering me out the door and letting me go back to my apartment. I changed out of the clothes quickly, thinking of burning them. 

"Hey, sweet-pea," I whispered, laying on the bed with Cassie against my chest. She didn't stir, and I was glad. She babbled in her sleep and I smiled. The exhaustion from the case was set deep in my body, and I just wanted to hold her longer, but I wasn't ready to co-sleep. I had too many blankets on my bed and the fear that I'd roll over in my sleep and crush her. I put her in the crib, trailing my fingers on her chubby stomach. A sleepy smile started to form on her face and I smiled too. She was very punctual with her developments, I was tracking them all obsessively. 

The idea of having a gun in the same house as Cassie felt wrong. The idea of having nothing to protect her felt wrong. Gideon was right, I wasn't feeling nothing. I was feeling too much, all at once and I didn't know what any of it was. All I knew was I would do anything to protect Cassie, and the thought scared me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really short but i feel like it does a good job to start to develop and explain spencer's relationship with the team further! hope you enjoyed :)


	6. Poolside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team travels to Los Angeles and Spencer meets someone interesting.

Los Angeles was _not_ the place I wanted to be. Cassie was home teething with a fever. She hadn't been when Gideon and I left for the city, only supposed to be gone just over 24 hours, but now that there was a case and we had to stay, she was running a fever of 100, and Mrs. Hendrickson had to stay with her. I was checking my phone every five minutes, entirely forgetting about the woman I had met at the art gallery, Lila Archer. She was nice, and I was attracted to her, but nothing would come of it. She's an actress in Los Angeles, I'm a profiler in Quantico, raising a baby. 

Which, looking back at it, that might've been part of the reason I was so dumbfounded when Lila came into the precinct, talking about an old stalker who seemed to be more dangerous than an overzealous fan. 

After she stormed out of the precinct, stating that she wouldn't stop living her life, I ran out after her, catching her before she got to the street. 

"Lila!" I yelled, and she stopped, turning to face me. 

"What, Spencer? I won't stop production just because some creep thinks he owns me? I won't do it!"

"No, Lila, I know. Listen, this is just a protective detail, nothing to worry about. It's just us ensuring that you, the other actors, and the crew is safe. We just want you to stay safe. We have at least three bodies and we don't want the number to grow."

She stood, lit from the yellow streetlamp, and ran a hand through her hair. "How dangerous is he? Really?"

I hesitated. "He's killed already to try and get you a role. The likelihood that he'll hurt you is low, so long as you don't display affection to others and you show appreciation for what he's done. _But_ , that doesn't mean he won't kill people around you, especially if he thinks that they'll get in the way of your career. The best idea here is to accept our protective detail. We'll have officers and agents stationed at your work, your home, and anywhere else you might frequent. We just want to keep everyone safe."

"Will you be there?" She asked, leaning against a car. 

"I, uh," I swallowed hard. Was she flirting with me? Social cues weren't my forte, but this felt obvious. "Well, I'll be working the case, likely at the station, but you can always-you request to have specific agents with you. You'd probably want Agent Morgan, or maybe Agent Hotchner too."

"I want you," She smiled. "I'll have my agent specify I want you at the studio tomorrow during filming." She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, rushing off to catch her car while I stood there, hand raising to my cheek. 

I was pretty sure she was flirting.

* * *

The next day Morgan and I were on set, Lila sitting in a thin robe and sipping coffee. She made a face and took my coke out of my hand and took a swig. 

"Hope you don't mind sharing," She smiled, wrapping her lips around the tip of the bottle and I cleared my throat, sure I was flushed. 

"No, not at all!" I said, even though normally I would, indeed, mind sharing. But I didn't. I wasn't thinking with my head, that was obvious. 

She shot me a grin and took off her robe, running off to set and I choked on my soda, the fizzy drink reaching my lungs making me cough. That bikini was so small I didn't know if it could even be considered covering. If she were on a real beach she'd be sunburnt no matter how much sunscreen she applied. 

"Hope you don't mind sharing with me too, Lover Boy?" Morgan's deep voice startled me, and soda dripped down my chin. 

"Shut up," I said, and he laughed, patting me on the back. 

"So, what about Cassie?"

"I told you, Cassie is _not_ my girlfriend. I'm not dating anyone. But that doesn't even matter! We're working a case."

"Whatever you say, Pretty Boy," He grinned.

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and knew it was Mrs. Hendrickson. I asked her to call me when Cassie woke up. 

"Go check with the officers that they know I'm bringing Lila back to her house after this. She told me she wouldn't go with a cop." 

Derek grinned and walked off, and I answered the phone right before it was sent to voicemail. 

"Dorothy?"

"Spencer, how are you, dear?"

"I'm fine, the case is fine. Everything's fine, how's Cassie?"

"Her fever is gone, the Tylenol helped. She's fussing a bit over the teething but I went to your apartment and got the teething rings you said were in the freezer. They seem to be helping. Oh! And I hope you don't mind but I took the little blanket at the end of your bed and gave it to her. It smells like you and she got so happy!"

I smiled. "I don't know what I would do without you, thank you, Dorothy. I have no idea when I'll get back, there's... You don't need details. Just know that I'll get back as soon as I can. I'll call Kate later and let her know she'll have to pick up Cassie from you."

We spoke for a short time longer when Gideon called me. Lila's agent, Michael, was dead, killed by her stalker. And I wasn't supposed to tell her, just bring her back to her home, pack a bag, and bring her to a safe house. 

The drive was silent, Lila carefully maneuvering the streets of LA, two cop cars following behind us to make a barrier around her house before we left. 

"So," She asked, leaning on the couch and sipping tea. "Does the art make you feel anything now?"

"I _feel_ something, I just don't know what."

"I get the feeling that you're like that a lot of the time," She said, standing up and taking off the robe she had been wearing. She was wearing another bikini, not quite as revealing as the one she had worn on set. There was something about her that was intoxicating. She really was beautiful, and she liked me. Well, she liked me because I was protecting her, but the attention from someone who wasn't six months old was pleasurable. "Come on, let's go swimming. Go grab a suit."

"What?" I was snapped out of my thoughts. "Lila, I'm not going to grab a suit, and you can't go swimming, there's a psychotic killer following you who shoots people in the head!"

She walked out, and like a gravitational pull, I followed her. She jumped in, ripples in the water flowing outwards. When she resurfaced she threw her hair back, smoothing it over. 

"Live a little!"

"Live a little? Lila, I've known you 48 hours and I already feel like I've aged ten years! You cannot stay there! I am begging of you, get out of the pool, dry off, and I can take you to the safe house."

"I can't be _that_ bad," She grinned, and I fought back a smile. 

"Yes, no, you are that bad."

She grumbled, but swam to the edge of the pool, reaching her hand out for me to assist in her exit. Her hand was cold and wet, and so much smaller than mine. I widened my stance so I could actually pull her out of the water. When I did so she yanked harshly on my arm, pulling me into the pool with her. 

"Oh, my god!" I yelled, trying to smooth back the mess of hair that fell into my eyes. Now my hair would be curly.

She giggled quietly, and I fought back a smile. I was just glad my phone wasn't in my pocket anymore. 

"Very funny, Lila. Hilarious. Yes, laugh it up! Now my gun's wet. Great!" I pulled off my holster and put it on the side of the pool, wiping chlorine out of my eyes. 

Lila swam closer to me and I started to laugh freely, trying to fix my hair. "My clothes..."

"Shoulda wore the suit!" She laughed, moving even closer. She grabbed my tie, soaking wet, and pulled me closer, no warning before pushing our lips together. 

My mind was going a million miles a minute and I didn't even think about pushing away when I moved closer, kissing her back. I hadn't kissed anyone in over a year, not since Lucille. Before then it had been another year, not since Ethan. She held my face and I felt her tongue try to enter my mouth and I seemed to realize everything that was happening and I pulled back. 

"This is completely inappropriate,"

"What's this?" She asked, kissing me again. I couldn't help but lean in instinctually, kissing her back and pulling away, kissing her back and pulling away. 

I ran my hands through my hair, smoothing it back and this time I was the one who leaned in, kissing Lila and forgetting how entirely wrong it was. I was acting like an idiotic kid, thinking with his dick and not his head. I should've been thinking of Cassie, stuck at home without me while she got over her first fever and I wasn't there to help her. 

But I couldn't seem to think, and I put my hands on her face, kissing her furiously. Her lips were so soft and she tasted floral, probably from the tea she was drinking. The smell of chlorine was almost overpowering and every time we pulled away I could see steam rising into the cold night from the warm water on our bodies. I didn't even feel the wet fabric clinging to me, all I could feel was Lila. 

"Wait!" I pulled back again, and she frowned. "No, there's this thing called transference and-"

"You don't like me?" She said, swimming back the slightest bit. 

"What? No! Are you crazy, I like you!"

"I like you too," She swam closer again. 

"I'm a, uh, federal agent assigned to protect you and-"

"Then protect me," She smiled, kissing me again. 

"I'm just a little worried," She kissed me in between every thought, and I thought if I didn't kiss back I might die. It was like, for a moment, I was a normal 24-year-old. Her hands were all over me and I leaned into her every time she kissed me. "We're in a pool, and we're pretty much exposed..."

"There are cops in the front," She kissed me, and when she pulled away I tried to follow. "And coyotes in the back. And right here is you and me," 

Our noses brushed against each other and she tried to kiss me, but everything I had hiding in my head started to push forwards. 

"I, uh, I can't. I need to tell you something-" I heard my phone buzzing against the concrete where I had set it down. "Cassie," I muttered, grabbing the phone and answering it. 

It wasn't Mrs. Hendrickson, just a spam call, and when I set my phone down and turned back to Lila she looked angry. 

"'Cassie?'" She said, backing up. "What, do you have a girlfriend or something? I should've known, of course, there can't be a normal guy who likes me!"

"What? Lila no! Cassie isn't my girlfriend, she-" I hesitated, biting my lip. She looked at me expectantly and I looked down at my hands. "Cassie is my daughter."

"Your _daughter_? You're like, what, 23?"

"24," I said. "She's six months."

"So, what? You're married? Cassie isn't your girlfriend, but you have one?" 

"No! I would never cheat on anyone, I wouldn't kiss you if I was in a relationship. Cassie's mother is... not in the picture. She never has been. It's just-I'm a father. I can't go around kissing everyone I like and find attractive!"

"Spencer," Her anger disappeared and there was even a trace of a smile on her face. "You can be a dad and still be attracted to people. Nothing bad will happen to Cassie if you kiss me. She's at home, with whoever there, and we like each other. The world will not end if you kiss me back." She leaned in and I pulled back again. This was wrong, I couldn't keep kissing her knowing what I knew. 

"No, Lila. There was something else I need to tell you. I was worried about how you would react, and our concern was getting you to safety first and foremost. But I can't not tell you,"

"What is it?"

"Your manager, Michael..."

"What?"

"Gideon went to check on him but, he got there too late."

Her face changed quickly, not knowing what to do. She moved away from me and spun back quickly, tears streamed down her face. "How could you not tell me!"

"I was afraid you'd be upset-" I didn't want to blame Gideon. I could've told her if I wanted, but I was selfish and didn't tell her. It was on me. 

"You knew what you knew, and you still did that! How could you!"

"I'm sorry..." 

She moved to leave the pool and I swam after her, trying to reach for her, but she yelled at me not to touch her. 

I let her get out of the water before following when I heard a commotion by the bushes. Before I could even draw my gun I saw Morgan, Elle, and Gideon all pulling a man out of the greenery. He had a camera in one hand and Morgan snatched it out of his hands. 

I knew immediately, he had taken pictures of us kissing, and I felt a pit in my stomach. What happened was entirely unprofessional, and Lila was angry with me too, those pictures couldn't be released. 

They walked past me, the man in handcuffs, and Elle ripped the film out of the camera, handing it to me. She looked pissed, and I understood. I should never have crossed that boundary, and now Lila and Elle were infuriated with me.

"I, uh, I fell in." I lied.

"Sure." She said.

Gideon sent me into the house to change and I did so, rejoining Lila in her living room wearing a hoodie and sweats. She sat on her couch, wearing the same robe she had worn earlier, and she faced away from me. I could hear her crying softly. I was good at stopping people from crying, but that's because my limited experience with crying was Cassie, and she only ever wanted a handful of things. She never cried because she lost her family. 

"Lila..." I said, "Are you... are you okay?"

"Am I okay? Michael was my family, Spencer! And it's so hard to find people you trust in this town. That's why I thought you were different."

"I'm so sorry, I know I should have told you-"

Gideon's deep voice came from behind me, startling us both. "I told him not to tell you," He said. "He was only following my orders." He patted my shoulder and walked away. 

She looked like the anger was lessening, but still present. She started to speak, but I didn't hear her. I was staring at the art on her wall again, feeling something new when I looked at it. It was obviously a collage of different pictures, some of nature, some of the city, New York I assumed, and some of a girl. Of her lips. Of the lips, I had been kissing?

I barely even asked her before taking it down, deconstructing the art with a flimsy promise that I'd put it back together. If I was right, I didn't think she'd want it back, and it might be evidence. Gideon was on the phone in the background, sending the team to go check out my former classmate, he'd given Lila the poster. Could he be her stalker? I mean, he wasn't the definition of a good guy, at least not in high school, but nothing about him said obsessed or fit our profile. Something about that didn't feel right. 

Gideon left with the remaining members of the team to go question him, leaving me with Lila. She sat on the couch, obviously reeling from recent events. Her manager was murdered, she was being stalked, now she learned it was potentially a friend who had put her through all of this pain. I made her a cup of tea, handing it to her wordlessly. 

Everything that happened next wasn't quite clear in my mind. I had gotten a call, it wasn't Parker. He had gotten the picture from someone else, told to pass it off as a secret admirer but instead, he took it as his own. Maggie had made it, placed it in Lila's home so she was always there, even if Lila didn't know. Tracking her phone put her inside the house, and I was the only one to protect Lila. I was really wishing she had taken a liking to Morgan, at that point. Only because I knew Morgan could protect her, I didn't know if I could. 

When I found Maggie she had a gun to Lila's head, drawing it back and forth in her blonde hair, crying about things I didn't understand. I set my own gun down, and when I did I could practically see how things were going to play out. Maggie was too far gone to talk her down. I couldn't get in a clear shot even if I did have my gun, and if I tried to physically take her down it would result in at least one of us with a gunshot. I hadn't been shot yet, and I was really looking forward to keeping that statement true. 

"Maggie, Lila loves me now," I said, taking a cautious step forwards. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and I knew it was either the team or Mrs. Hendrickson. I wanted to answer, but I pretended I didn't feel the buzzing in my pocket. "Right, Lila?" I prompted. "We kissed in the pool and she told me she loves me."

Lila choked out a sob, trying to stay steady. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and I couldn't imagine what she was going through. "Yes! Yes, Maggie, I love him, I swear."

There was a fire in Maggie's eyes. I had made the right choice in making her angry. She shoved Lila away and leveled the gun at me, but she was inconsistent. She was acting out of anger and I was acting out of calculations. How do I ensure we all walk out of here alive? How do I make sure the gun does not get fired? How do I make sure I get home to Cassie?

I grabbed the barrel of the gun, forcing it upwards just before she pulled the trigger, a perfect hole appearing in Lila's ceiling. She lost her grip on the metal and I twisted it out of her hands, pushing her to the ground and leveling the gun at her face now. 

"Do it!" She screamed, louder than the gunshot. Lila sat in the back, crying harder now. "Do it, I wish I were dead! Shoot me I'd be so much happier!"

I didn't have handcuffs on me, so logically I should've held her at gunpoint until someone else came to restrain her. She pushed her head against the barrel of the gun and I ripped it away, setting it behind me and kicking it further so she couldn't reach it. I leaned forwards and hugged her, feeling her tears soak the shirt I had only just finished drying. 

"Shh," I whispered, stroking the back of her head, letting her sob into me. "It's okay... we're going to help you. We're going to get you help."

I could hear a commotion in the back of the house. The team was arriving, just in time. I didn't hear them come in, but when they did they just stood there for a few minutes. Maggie's crying was subsiding, she was tired. I took my hand away from her head and reached behind me. Cold rings were set in my hands and I put her hands behind her back, locking them there before helping her up, passing her to Gideon. Lila jumped up at that moment, barreling towards me and I barely managed to keep both of us upright. I could hear her thanking me, but I didn't know why. I had lied to her, held a gun to her best friend, even if that was warranted, I was also about to leave. I felt her lips on my cheek and I heard the team scuffle out. 

"Stay here tonight," She said. "Please, Spencer?"

I hesitated. "Lila, I-"

"We won't do anything! We can sleep in the living room, separate couches, I just don't want to be alone. Don't leave me alone,"

I rubbed at my eyes and nodded. I squeezed her shoulder and went to tell the team. 

"Hey, Lila said she doesn't want to be alone... So I'm gonna stay on her couch tonight."

Hotch raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything about it. "Wheels up at 9 tomorrow morning. Get some sleep, Reid."

I nodded, rushing out to avoid the watchful eyes of Derek, Elle, and JJ. I really wasn't going to do anything with Lila tonight. Not only did she just experience a traumatic event and that would be taking advantage of her, but I was about to leave to go across the country. I didn't think I could do casual with Lila. Not in general, and not when Cassie was sick. The adrenaline of the case was wearing off and she was all I could think about. It was three in the morning here, it was six in the morning there. Mrs. Hendrickson was probably awake, or just waking up. It wouldn't hurt to try and call. 

Lila came into the living room wearing shorts and a long-sleeve shirt, handing me the sweats I had worn earlier after my clothes got wet. I change in her bathroom, coming back to Lila with a phone to my ear. 

"Spencer, dear, what're you doing up? Oh, it's so late there!"

"We got her," I said, feeling emotions bubble up in my gut. "We leave tomorrow morning at 9, I'll be home before dinnertime. How is she? Still in pain?"

Lila watched me from across the room, not saying anything. "Well, she hasn't been sleeping well, in and out of sleep. She seems to be stirring right about now. I've got you on speaker, so she can hear your voice."

"Thank you, Dorothy. I'm glad the teething rings helped, and the blanket. You're a lifesaver. Did you get any sleep either?"

"Oh, I got enough." That was code for no. I sighed, rubbing at my eyes. 

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'll buy you dinner or coffee, whatever you want."

She laughed loud enough that Lila heard it, grabbing the remote and putting on a movie I wasn't familiar with. She turned the volume down low and I stood, going to the kitchen to finish my call so I wouldn't disturb her. 

"She's an angel, dear, I don't need anything. You already pay me too much."

"I hardly pay you enough," I countered, but nodded to myself. I heard her cooing in the background and I smiled. "But I'll let you go now. I'm going to try to get some sleep before we leave. I love you, Cassie!" I added loud enough for her to hear, and she squealed. "Thanks, Dorothy," 

She said her goodbyes, hanging up. I walked back to the living room where Lila waited for me. I sat down, avoiding her gaze, looking to her flatscreen instead. 

"So who's Dorothy?" She asked, and I didn't look away from the film. 

"My neighbor, she watches Cassie when I'm on a case. She's really helpful."

"Good," She said, getting up from her couch and joining me on the couch I claimed. "You're a good guy, Spencer."

"You barely know me?" I questioned. It wasn't that I didn't believe I was a good guy, I do my best to be good and nice, but Lila had only known me for a few days, and her judgment was skewed after the events of the past days. 

"I know you well enough. You're sleeping on a couch instead of in a real bed because I asked you to. You've been nothing but nice to me, even though I was a bit of a bitch."

"You weren't... that," I said. "I'm sleeping here because you said you didn't want to be alone. So you shouldn't be alone."

"But it's not just that. The way you handled Maggie," the name caught in her throat. "She wanted you to _kill_ her. And you _hugged_ her."

I shrugged. "She needs help. She'll go to prison, but she'll also go to therapy. She won't get out any time soon, if ever, but she might get help and get better. She was hurting and she needed comfort, so I gave it to her."

"Were you always like this?"

"Like what?"

"Caring... paternal?"

I frowned. I thought of my mother, who I cared for only as long as I had to before sending her off to live in a Sanitarium where she didn't know anyone or understand what was going on. "I don't know," I said honestly. "It was just my mom and I growing up and she was sick. I took care of her, but I also left home when I was twelve."

"Twelve?" She leaned closer. Not promiscuously. Just intrigued. 

"I graduated high school when I was twelve and then I moved to California to go to CalTech. I left her alone."

"You were _twelve,_ Spencer. When I was twelve I didn't know how to take care of a dog, let alone myself and my mother. Sounds like you've always been paternal. Cassie's lucky to have a dad like you."

"Thank you," I whispered.

She leaned back on the couch, pulling a blanket up to her chin. "Got any pictures of her?"

I didn't know if she really wanted to see any photos or if that was just the polite thing to ask a parent, but I reached for my wallet anyway. Her picture was stuck behind my ID. She was propped up with pillows, wearing a yellow dress I had gotten her. I cautiously handed it to Lila who smiled at the photo.

"She's beautiful," She said, giving me back the photo which I safely tucked away. I thanked her and she kept talking, ignoring the movie that was inching towards the climax. "I'm sure you have lots of babysitters, with that big team of yours."

"Oh," I swallowed hard. "They uh, they don't know I have a daughter."

Her smile dropped, then she giggled a bit. I liked the sound. "The best profilers in the world don't know you're a father?"

I shrugged. "Well, I told you Cassie's mother was never in the picture and when Cassie was dropped off at my door I didn't know if I could keep her at first, so I told them I had a family emergency. Then she was nearly two months, and another month passed and another and it just feels odd to tell them. I've worked with the BAU for three years but I'm not close to any of them except JJ."

"I'm not gonna tell you how to parent, I can't keep a fish alive, but it might help if you told them?"

"Everyone who needs to know does. Hotch and Gideon know and, in time, I'll tell the others. This job is dangerous, Lila, and I'm putting Cassie ahead. The fewer people that know about her the safer she is."

She tutted her tongue, reaching over and turning off the light. She laid against me and I tensed before putting an arm around her. "You're obviously a great guy and an even better dad. But the extra help might help you. As I said, you're a carer. Paternal. Maybe let someone else care for you for a change."

I tried to respond, but I was greeted with soft snoring, her grip tightening around my waist. I pulled her closer and rubbed her hair when she fell into a nightmare, and didn't sleep until I got on the jet the next morning.


	7. The Fisher King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer is finally in a safe, good routine with Cassie, Kate, and Dorothy. All is well until he is called to a case while he's with Cassie in Vegas.

Seeing my mother wasn't something I wanted to do. I know, _I know_ , that makes me a horrible son. I write to her every day, maybe missing a day or two since I had Cassie, but it wasn't the same. Her doctors had told me, time and time again, that seeing me would help her. Sometimes she get's confused, but she still loves me. She told me that on a good day. But...

But it was hard. Confronting what could be my reality. Living in a sanitarium, not knowing what was real and what wasn't. Not being trusted to feed, or bathe, or dress. The reality was always terrifying, had been since I was five. Having Cassie made it so much worse. I wanted to keep her bundled up, away from the world. Away from anything that might hurt her. Keep her away from diseases that take your mind. 

Then we got time off. An entirely rare occurrence at the Bureau, to get two weeks of time off unprompted. And I was entirely prepared to spend the whole two weeks with Cassie, already giving Kate two weeks off and telling Mrs. Hendrickson that the only way they were getting me to come back was if they dragged me. I was ready to live true to that, spending the weeks bringing Cassie to parks and spending time with her, when Hotch mentioned that Hayley and he were bringing Jack to go spend time with his grandparents, talking about how much he loved seeing them, and I began to feel guilty. 

Mom knew about Cassie, but reading about her in letters versus seeing her in real-time, holding her, were two very different things. And Cassie was at such a good age developmentally, she just turned ten months, and she was really starting to understand emotions and her mobile skills were amazing. She was already toddling around and forming words! 

Before I could talk myself out of it I booked two plane tickets to Vegas, already packing our bags. 

This would be good for all of us, I told myself, boarding the plane. I had one bag with me, my trip to Vegas would only last five days, the rest to be spent back home, just me and Cassie. 

The plane was crowded and it felt weird to board a plane without the team. It was loud, smelly, and filled with germs that I wouldn't want to expose myself to, let alone a ten-month-old. I resisted the urge to drown myself in sanitizer and took a deep breath, reading for the duration of the plane ride, soothing Cassie when she got antsy or wanted something. It was much harder to change a baby's diaper on a plane than it was to do so anywhere else. 

When we landed I dropped our bags off and immediately went to the Sanitarium, and the doctors recognized me despite me having not visited in years. 

"Doctor Reid, it's so nice to see you!" One of them said to me, noticing the child in my arms. "And who is this? Wow, it really has been a long time!"

"This is Cassie," I smiled politely. "My daughter. I wrote to my mother about her, did she ever say anything?"

"She did, once or twice I overheard her talking to other patients about you two. It's really wonderful that you're here."

The doctor kept talking, but I began to drift. The book I had brought for her felt heavier than Cassie and I started to spiral. 

"I'm sorry, Doctor," I said, handing her the book. "I think we'll come back tomorrow, I just realized need to put Cassie down for her nap, I wasn't thinking,"

"Doctor!" I heard her call after me, but I was already on my heel, dashing out of the building. 

I would see her tomorrow. Tomorrow I would introduce her and Cassie. Tomorrow.

* * *

My idea of tomorrow never came. I had actually been prepared to make the introduction when I woke up that morning, but there were other plans already in motion. 

A decapitated head and a 1963 baseball card. 

The framing of murder and getting shot in your own home. 

A skeleton key and a note about a girl named Rebecca. 

Deceased butterflies and a hidden message. 

A call home where your wife and child sat. 

All work no play. 

A dead body and the anticipation of another one. 

A girl gone missing years ago, entirely forgotten.

They didn't have to call me back, as soon as I got the skeleton key and the note to save another one, Cassie and I were on the next plane out and Mrs. Hendrickson was ready to take her as soon as I got home so I could go to the Bureau. None of us knew what was happening, not really. We couldn't have expected the events that were about to unfold. 

"Reid," Hotch said, well into the night while we worked the case. "He knows where everyone lives. He made a call and a delivery to my house, he shot Elle in hers, he's sending things to our addresses. I'm bringing Jack and Hayley here, and I think you should do the same for Cassie. Call Dorothy right now and tell her we have two agents on their way to pick them up." 

I nodded quickly, rushing away to grab my phone and to call her. 

"Spencer?" She answered before the first ring ended. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, but I'm sending two agents to pick up you and Cassie, and they're bringing you to the Bureau. The unsub-our suspect-knows our home addresses and everything about us. Do not go with them unless they show you valid identification. Do you understand?"

"Yes! Yes, of course."

"Good, they'll be there soon, wait for them to announce themselves before you open the door, and if they don't do that, then hide and call the police."

I didn't wait for her to answer before hanging up, rushing back to the team, and continuing the case. We all worked furiously, but it was harder when we were one profiler down and didn't have the tech we were used to, Garcia's system wasn't up and running again yet. I knew that we were making progress, cracking codes, and deciphering what the items we got meant was proof enough, but I couldn't focus. Not until Cassie, and Dorothy, got here and I knew they were okay. 

Another twenty minutes passed before Hotch pulled me aside, telling me to go to the empty office I had temporarily claimed as my own all those months ago when I was looking for a nanny. 

I ran the whole way, barging in to find a very confused Dorothy and a fast asleep Cassie. 

I picked up Cassie, holding her close to my chest so I could feel her heartbeat and her tiny breaths against my neck. 

"What is going on, Spencer?"

"We have an ongoing case, and we are pushing past cautious. One of our agents was shot, she's in surgery. He knows everything about us, and we don't know what he wants. You guys are going to stay here until we catch him. We're working fast. If you need anything just find an agent and they'll do whatever you need. When you get tired there are cots you can sleep on, and just... bring Cassie to me."

"Oh, but Spencer, your team." She said, knowing my aversion to alerting the team of my personal life.

"They were bound to find out one day. I just need to know she's safe, and I'd bring her up with me if I could, but I need to focus. I can't do that if I'm worried about her in my arms the whole time. I know she's in good hands with you. Is this okay?"

She just nodded and I hugged her, moving Cassie from my arms and into hers, and rushed back to the team. 

"Where were you?" Garcia asked. Despite what I had just told Dorothy, I didn't think it was a good time to tell them. 

"I was making arrangements to get my mom here on the next flight. She's in danger at the Sanitarium."

Garcia just nodded, and we went back to work, the whole team doing everything we could until we finally found a break. 

Randall Garner and the Fisher King. There was no time to waste. 

* * *

"Mr. Garner? You were in the hospital with my mother... I think-I think she might've confused you," I said, moving down the hall to meet the man. "All we wanna do is help Ca-Rebecca. That's exactly what you want, right? That's why you sent us the puzzles... That's why you said you'd hope you'd be seeing us soon?"

His voice came low and gravelly like he hadn't properly used it in a long time. "Ask the question."

"There is no magical question, Mr. Garner," I said, and even I could hear the sadness in my voice. I turned to Derek and Hotch and whispered, "He believes if I ask him the right question it will heal all of his wounds."

"Do you know the question?" Hotch asked, and I almost snorted. Obviously, there was no such thing. 

"I know what he wants, I'm gonna move to where he can see me," I whispered and I heard Hotch and Morgan's protests, but I ignored them. "Fall back," I told SWAT, handing them my gun. 

"Stay calm, Mr. Garner," I said. 

"Ask the question, Sir Percival."

"I told you, I'm not Percival. My name is Doctor Spencer Reid, from the FBI. You were in the hospital with my mother Diana?"

"If you want the grail you must ask the question."

"She's not a grail!" I yelled, then took a breath. I kept walking down the hallway, waiting for us to see each other. "She is your daughter, her name is Rebecca," I spoke slower now, anger leaving my voice. 

"My daughter's died in a fire," He said, and he truly did sound distraught. "And my wife!"

"Rebecca lived," I shook my head. 

"No! Your mother, she explained it all to me."

I continued down hands in the air. "My mother's a paranoid schizophrenic who would forget to eat if she wasn't properly medicated and supervised!"

"She made me realize that none of it was real. I didn't lose Rebecca, she never existed in the first place."

I was nearing the door, preparing to open it. "She does exist, Mr. Garner." I reached out to open the door. "And we're here to help her."

 _Fuck. Fuck!_ He had a bomb strapped to his body, thumb holding down the trigger. He couldn't hold it forever, and there was no way on Earth bomb squad would get here and diffuse it quick enough, if we could even convince him to not detonate it. 

"Hotch? Morgan? I think maybe it'd be better if you guys waited downstairs."

"What?" Hotch whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. 

"Mr. Garner and I are just gonna... talk alone up here." I just needed them out of here, I could talk him down. I had to try. 

"Go ahead and talk Reid, but we're not going anywhere," Morgan yelled to me. 

"Ask the question, I'll be healed," Garner spoke urgently, just above a whisper. "You may take the grail, just ask the question, Sir Knight."

I shook my head softly. "I can't,"

"Heal me!" His grip tightened on the trigger, and I took a half-step back. 

"Mr. Garner," My hands moved as I spoke. "A Fisher King wound cannot be healed by somebody else," I tried to reason. "I-It's not a wound to the body, it's a memory. It's a wound to the mind, a wound that only you can find, and a wound that only you can heal."

"Just ask the question!"

"There's only one question that matters, Mr. Garner," I lowered my hands. "There's only one really important question; Can you forgive yourself?"

He spoke like he was sobbing. "I couldn't get to them,"

"If you tell me where she is, you can save Rebecca now! Tell me where Rebecca is."

"You already know, I sent your mother the map."

"What map?"

"Can I forgive myself?" _Oh no._ I started to step back, as discreet as I could, but I knew he was about to detonate that bomb. "No, I can't." 

I ran, turning out of the room and yelling, "Run!" but I barely took three steps when the blast shot me forwards and I landed with a thud on the ground, waves of heat rushing over me and searing pain on the back of my leg. Broken glass was stuck throughout my limbs, I could feel the way the shards were stabbing me, and I heard someone yelling. 

"Don't move, Reid, don't move!" It was Morgan, and he was beating my leg with a cloth of some sort, and I realized the searing pain I had felt was fire, I was on fire. 

"Get him out," Hotch said, pulling me to my feet while Morgan finished extinguishing me. "Let's go, let's go!"

We ran down the steps and Morgan asked me what the hell I was doing. 

"There was a bomb," I said, half limping and half running down the steps, most of my weight on him. 

"What, you didn't think we needed to know that?"

"I told you to go downstairs!" 

"You didn't say bomb, you left that part out!"

He tried to guide me down the steps and out of the building but I shook him off of me, telling them to wait. 

"What do you mean 'stop' the house is on fire!"

"Just let me think, let me think!" My voice was high and shrill, and I waved my hands near my head, trying to visualize my thoughts. "Rebecca's got to be here!"

"Reid, there may not be time for a search, let's go." Hotch reached his hand out like he was trying to guide me. 

I pictured the house before the bomb went off, what did it look like before we entered. It was three stories, lights were on at the top level, but there was another light. Where was it?

"Down-She's in the basement downstairs!" I ran down the steps, passing everyone else even on my injured leg. It was so hot in the house, I could feel sweat dripping off of me. 

We all rushed down and there was a girl, must've been a teenager, chained to the floor. 

"She's in here!" I yelled, gesturing for them to follow me. 

"I'm chained!" She cried. "Get me out of here!"

All I could think about was Cassie. Hotch went to see how to unchain her and I just stood there, dumbfounded. 

They were yelling and I knew I was talking but I couldn't recall what I was saying. I reached into my pocket and grabbed the key, kneeling, and quickly unlocking the chains. 

"I'm sorry, you're okay, Cassie, you're okay," I said, watching Hotch pick her up as she curled into herself. When we ran out I could feel another burst of flames arise, singing the hairs on my arm. 

* * *

There was already an array of ambulances and police cars, waiting in the street. 

"I have a seventeen-year-old girl, held captive for two years, possible heat exhaustion," Hotch told a paramedic who nodded, bringing her to a gurney and quickly driving off in the ambulance. "This is Doctor Reid, he was thrown in the blast and has second to third-degree burns to his lower left leg, and glass embedded in his arms and legs."

A paramedic tried to pull me into the ambulance, and I shrugged away. "Hotch!"

"Reid, you were just nearly blown up, you need to go to the hospital."

"I just need Cassie," I begged. "Please, I need to see her. I'll get checked out first thing tomorrow, but I can't right now I need to see her,"

"I will call Dorothy and have her bring Cassie to the hospital, but you need to get check out. This is non-negotiable." As if to prove his point he pushed me into the ambulance, climbing in after me to make sure I didn't escape. We drove off immediately. 

"What hospital are we going to?" He asked, pulling out his phone. 

"Saint Evangeline's, Sir."

"That's where Elle is," I said, coughing up a lung from smoke inhalation. The paramedic had to wrestle me to get the oxygen on me. Hotch put a hand on my shoulder, keeping me down on the bed. 

I don't know what I was breathing in, but it wasn't solely oxygen as I felt myself fade away despite my best wished, eyes fluttering shut before I could stop them. 

* * *

When I woke up I didn't know what time it was, but I was in a hospital bed. There was an IV in my arm and they had oxygen in my nose, and I scrunched it up at the ticklish feeling of air blowing. My throat burned and when I moved my legs I could feel a large bandage on the back of my left leg, where I was on fire. 

"Dorothy? Hotch?" I coughed a bit when I tried to speak, lungs screaming for more oxygen and my throat screaming for cold water. I heard someone jumping out of a chair and I turned my head to the right from where I heard them. 

"Spencer, dear, what happened?" Mrs. Hendrickson said, holding Cassie in her arms. 

"We saved her," I said, reaching my arms out. She placed the sleeping baby on my chest, and I leaned in close, taking in everything about her. I heard her get up, felt her pat my arm gently, and then walk out. 

Cassie let out a little cough, and I held her further away from me. I could still smell smoke and soot, but I thought it was lodged into my nose. Instead, I looked around and found some baby wipes in the diaper bag next to my bed and I wiped myself clean. When I pulled the wipe away it was stained black. I took a new one and ran it through my hair.

My legs were up, bent at the knees, and Cassie laid back on them, awake now. I held her in place with one hand while I wiped my hair clean with the other, making faces at her so she would laugh. Every time she let out a laugh, I could feel more tears building up until they fell. She was at the age where she could identify emotions, and I was confusing her. There was a smile on my face, which was supposed to mean happy, but tears were streaming down my cheeks, which typically meant the opposite. I wiped my tears away with the wet wipe and kissed her forehead, happy that I didn't leave a soot mark when I pulled back. 

"Daddy's okay!" I said, smiling and bouncing her. "I just missed you."

"Da," She said, very insightfully. I nodded at her. 

"Exactly." I laughed, sitting up as much as I could, and bringing her to my chest. "I love you."

She giggled against my chest, and for the first time since we boarded the plane to Vegas, I felt calm. 

Thirty seconds later when I heard loud cursing from the hallway. I instinctively put my hands over Cassie's ears. She was learning to speak, and I didn't want her first fully-formed word to be 'fuck.'

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Someone yelled, voice shrill. "I don't need to be wheeled around like some kind of fucking invalid, get away from me!"

Wait. That voice is too familiar. My brain was still cloudy from the smoke, but it wasn't that slow. Before I could say anything she spoke again. 

"No! You know what, that is my coworker's hospital room, just wheel me in there and leave me alone!"

There was a knock at the 'door,' really just a curtain with a frame. "Doctor Reid?"

"Come in, Elle," I sighed. 

"Thank you! Someone treats me normal in this fucking place," She said, shooing away the poor nurse. I sent him an apologetic look and he shrugged, walking away as quick as he could. 

"Can you cool it with the swears, Elle?"

"Who are you, my mother?" She asked, wheeling herself over to my bedside to get a good look at me. My knees were still propped up and I didn't think she could see Cassie. "You look like shit, Reid." She said. "And I just got shot."

"What did I just say!"

"Quit being a fucking- _oh, my god,_ did you steal a fucking baby?" 

"Elle Greenaway," I said sternly, and her jaw dropped. She looked like she might either start laughing or crying. "I'm trying to introduce you to my child nicely. This is my daughter, Cassiopeia Reid. Just Cassie is fine, though."

"I-I have never been more at a loss for words. _What_? Why am I not surprised her name is such a mouthful."

"I didn't name her, her mother chose that."

"Mother! Who's her mom? I didn't know you were dating anyone! Oh, my god, this is all gold!"

"I'm not dating anyone," I said, and the grin fell off Elle's face. "Her mother isn't in the picture, it's just me and Cassie."

"Oh. Oh, I'm sorry,"

"Don't be," I smiled. "Do you want to hold her?" I asked, and she looked like I asked her if she wanted to get shot again. 

"I think I'll pass on that, why don't you tell me more about... everything? The fact that you're a dad and we didn't know? How old is she?"

"Ten months," I smiled, partially glad she passed on holding her. I needed her in my arms. 

"Ten months..." She whispered. "The whole time I've known you you've been a dad?"

"Kind of? I didn't know about her until she was nearly a month. Her mother didn't tell me she was pregnant. I didn't know I had a baby until she dropped her off at my door with a note and a diaper bag."

"Shitty," Elle said, and I glared. 

"If my daughter's first word is a swear I will kill you."

"You can't threaten me, I just got shot!"

I laughed, and Cassie made a startled sound. I looked down at her and smiled. "Daddy's okay!" I repeated, and she made the same sound in response that she had earlier. 

"'Daddy?'"

"Don't make it weird."

She put her hands up in defense, and I rocked Cassie a bit. 

"So, who else knows?"

"Hotch and Gideon,"

She was silent for a bit, watching me grab a bottle out of the bag and feed Cassie, burping her onto a rag before throwing it into a pocket of the back that I could take out and wash. 

"You're good at that." She said, and I laughed. 

"Thanks, I have to be."

"She's, uh, she's really beautiful. She has your eyes."

"Thank you," I whispered. "I hope she gets my hair too, but it looks like that might not happen. When I was her age I had a head full of curls. She's barely got any hair, and it looks straight as a ruler."

"Your hair is curly?" She said accusingly. "Give it time." She added, suddenly much more gentle. "My hair used to be blonde."

"I straighten it," I shrugged. "Lots of children with blonde hair grow up and as they age it darkens, it actually is from a really similar chemical compound that makes your hair go grey when you age!"

"I see fatherhood didn't change the parts of you that we all know and love."

"Eh, more like just know. I know loving the facts isn't a common occurrence." I grinned, not bothered. I noticed a smell coming from my wonderful, beautiful daughter. "Oh. You might want to leave," I suggested. 

She frowned. "Why? I want to know more about Cassie."

"I'm sure you do," I said. "But I don't think you want to sit with me while I change her diaper, do you?" 

Elle looked disturbed and muttered a goodbye before wheeling herself off, going who knows where. 

I just got blown up, and now I was changing a diaper. The glamorous life of FBI Agent/Father. 

Now, with Elle knowing, I was at three out of six. How much longer before everyone knew?


	8. Cold Pizza and Warm Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer is exhausted. Cassie doesn't like peas, work is tiring, and JJ is unrelenting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season two has officially begun :) get ready for curtain bangs and glasses on our favorite genius

I downed the last of the second pot of coffee at work before lunch. Elle gave me a knowing look, tipping her mug towards me and I reciprocated. She'd been surprisingly understanding about not wanting me to tell the team, not even questioning why. She hadn't told anyone about our interaction at the hospital, and I was grateful.

There was something that still felt so fragile about telling people, and the longer I waited the more awkward it became. It would've been weird to introduce them to her when she was a month old, but now that she was nearly a year, it was so much more confusing. Who hides their child from their only friends for a year?

"Spence," JJ smiled, taking a seat on top of my desk when I finished another file. "You are going to kill yourself drinking that much coffee."

"The average adult consumes 400 milligrams of caffeine in their daily cups of coffee," I said. 

"And how much are you drinking?"

"I don't have to answer that." I defended, and she laughed, raising her eyebrows. "I'm just... above average." 

"You're ridiculous," She said. "Hey, since it's Friday I was thinking we could hang out tonight? Get some takeout and watch a movie? I'll even watch that old French film you told me about a while ago."

I frowned. "I'd love to, but I can't. I'm sorry."

"Oh, okay... When _are_ you free? You've just been so busy lately and I miss you!" She said, and I felt immensely guilty. 

"I don't know. I'm not really great with last-minute plans anymore, working on my philosophy Bachelors's. I'll see if I can maybe move things around, okay? I've just got a lot of work to finish up." I technically wasn't lying, just not telling the whole truth. 

"Well, just let me know! I really do miss you, Spence." She squeezed my arm and turned on her heel, walking out to her office. 

I felt bad, but I couldn't help it. Maybe I could persuade Kate to stay late tonight and JJ and I could go to dinner.

_Spencer Reid - > Kate Jenson_

_-_ Hey, Kate! Is there any chance you could stay late tonight? I'll pay you overtime, but it's okay if you can't, don't worry about it!

_Kate Jenson - > Spencer Reid_

-Sorry Doc! I'm heading home for the weekend to see my parents. I can see if a friend could do it for me?

I frowned. Of course, anyone who was friends with Kate would be trustworthy, logically I knew that, but it didn't matter. 

_Spencer Reid - > Kate Jenson_

-Don't worry about it, it's no problem. Thanks anyway!

She didn't respond to the message and I sighed. Maybe Mrs. Hendrickson could take Cassie tonight? No, she already did more than enough. I wouldn't ask her to care for Cassie unless there was a case. I'd just have to make plans in advance. Life of a single dad.

I drank more coffee and went back to my paperwork, feeling guilty. 

* * *

When work ended JJ tried to stop me for a chat, but I rushed out, saying something about finishing a paper for class, not wanting to have to decline plans again. I drove home quickly, trying to relieve Kate early so she could get on the road sooner rather than later. 

Kate was out the door as soon as I was in, waving goodbye and running to the elevator with the promise of seeing me on Monday morning. 

Cassie toddled along the floor, taking hesitant steps towards me. She was able to walk a few steps without help, rarely tripping over her tiny feet, but she still preferred to walk with me holding her hands. Her knees buckled under her weight and she fell to her bottom, looking up at me in shock. 

"Uh oh, Dada!" She said, and I laughed. 

"Uh oh!" I confirmed. "Did you fall?"

She looked at me wide-eyed and nodded, jutting her hands out to me so I could pick her up. I did as she asked, lifting her high up into the air. 

"Are you hungry?" I asked, and she registered the word hungry, associating it with food. Her head bobbed in a way that could be considered nodding and I laughed. I put her into her highchair and rummaged through the cupboards. I needed to go shopping, she wasn't going to be very happy with her food choices today. "Alright, Sweet-Pea, how do we feel about sweet potatoes?" I held up the orange jar and she made a sour face. "Okay, well, what about peas?" Her face contorted again, but not to the extent it had prior. "Peas for the sweet-pea," I said, grabbing a plastic spoon and kneeling in front of her chair. 

She didn't seem pleased when I put on her bib and tried to get her to eat the food. I used the spoon to open her mouth, pushing the green mush past her lips, and she whined. 

"Cassie," I began. "Pea's are very good for you. They have the same dopamine release that chocolate does. I will give you chocolate later if you eat these peas right now." 

She didn't understand what I was saying, nor did she know what chocolate was or why it would be a treat, but she opened her mouth a bit anyway and I took the opportunity to push a spoonful of peas in her mouth. She swallowed them and I cheered. 

"Thank you!" I said, and she smiled, peas slipping out of her mouth. I used the spoon to push them back in and she made a face. She coughed once, spitting a spoonful of peas onto my face. "You know," I said, blinding reaching for a rag while she laughed shrilly. "I really thought you'd be above the stereotypes, Cassie. Really? Spitting peas on my face?"

She just laughed louder, and I joined in too, despite trying to show her I was angry. I wiped the peas off of my eyes, not bothering to try and clean up the rest of my face. 

"Dada!" She crooned, and I laughed louder, giving her a kiss on the top of her head and pulling away to see green mush in the brown hair. _Eh,_ I figured, _she deserves it._

There was a loud knock at the door, and I remembered Mrs. Hendrickson mentioning I had left one of Cassie's blankets over there when we got back from the last case. 

"Come in!" I yelled, still giggling with Cassie. I took a wipe and tried to get peas out of her hair, which was becoming curly, to my excitement. 

The door opened and shut and a voice called out, but it wasn't the one I expected. "Spence!" JJ called, sounding like she was struggling. "I brought you some food to get through the night. I know how you are with work!"

"JJ!" I yelled, feeling my chest tighten. I looked over and saw JJ standing in the doorway, toeing off her shoes. She had yet to look up, holding a pizza box in one hand and a bottle of cheap wine in the other and hadn't seen the toys that were scattered on the floor, the highchair in front of me, and most importantly, the baby in the highchair. "What are you doing here?" My voice was high and Cassie stopped giggling, sensing the change in emotions. 

"I told you, I brought food!" She looked up and the smile fell off her face. She just stared, eyes flickering between the baby and me, watching some personified tennis match. "I-I-um, who is that?"

I realized I was doing the same thing as her, eyes flickering between Cassie and JJ. "How about you sit down? And, I'll, uh, I'll clean up really quickly." I found my voice, but it was two octaves higher than normal.

She looked like she was going to argue but instead she sat down, dumbfounded. "You have food on your face." She said, and I nodded, taking Cassie out of her chair. I grabbed wipes and cleaned the both of us off, tossing the dirty bib into the hamper. I took a seat next to her, Cassie on my lap and stealing the Cheerios I had brought with us on a paper plate. Most of them missed her mouth, landing on either of us or the floor. 

"Is..." She started but then stopped. "Whose is she?"

"Mine," I whispered, feeling the knot in my chest tighten. For the first time since meeting her, I had no idea what JJ was thinking. "JJ, this is Cassiopeia or Cassie. She's my daughter."

"Spencer," Her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear it. " _What_?"

"I'll tell you anything you want to know," I rushed out. "Just please don't be mad at me."

She sat there, eyebrows furrowed, trying to determine what to say. "I'm just confused. How old is she?"

I looked down. "She'll be a year in two weeks." There was a lump in my throat and all the guilt I had been harboring started to push forwards. I should've told her months ago. I should've told her when I got Cassie! JJ's my best friend, how could I hide this for nearly a year?

"Oh, my god. _What_?" It felt like that was the only word in her vocabulary. "What the fu-"

"Stop!" I said, the lump dissipating and paternal instinct cutting in. 

JJ's eyes went big and she covered her mouth, whispering a sorry. "Just... start from the beginning?"

I had told this story too many times, I was having a hard time remembering why I kept this a secret.

"Do you remember when I took time off of work to guest lecture at that college in Fredrickson County?" She nodded. "When I was teaching there was a girl who was attending my lecture. Lucille. She caught me afterward and we went out for drinks, and you know... we ended up back at my hotel room. We used protection, obviously, but condoms only have a 98% effectivity rate and normally that would be a perfectly reasonable risk, especially because she was on the pill, too, but we ended up in the 2% of people who-"

"Spencer," JJ put her hand on my arm, subtly avoiding Cassie. "You're rambling. You had sex, you used protection, but it didn't work. Go on."

"Yeah, it didn't work, obviously. I didn't even know. She didn't tell me she was pregnant, and she wasn't planning on involving me. She had her on her own, kept her for three weeks, then she dropped her off outside my door with a letter explaining what happened and telling me not to contact her. So I haven't. I've written nearly a dozen letters, but I haven't sent any of them."

"I don't know what to say, Spence." JJ shook her head. "You're a dad?"

As if on cue, Cassie cried out an ear-splitting, "Dada!"

"Yeah, Cassie, Daddy!" I said, leaning over so my hair flopped over into her view. Her chubby hands reach forwards to grab handfuls, but I pulled back, giving her my fingers to grasp instead. "I'm sorry, JJ," I added. "You have no idea how guilty I've felt keeping it from you. And I tried to spend time with you, but it's so hard to find a sitter last minute, and I don't like keeping my nanny late! I tried to tonight but she's visiting family so I didn't think I'd see you."

"Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't even know if I would keep her. And then I was scared. She was so little and I didn't know the first thing about being a dad, having a personal life versus work life. I've always just had work! I was afraid something would happen, and there was also the fact that when I told everyone, then _everyone_ knew. It'd be in my files at work, if anyone gained access to our personal files then they'd know. Like with Garner."

She nodded slowly like she was beginning to understand. "Does anyone else know?"

"I told Hotch when I got back from my three weeks leave. Gideon confronted me that day, he knew something was going on so I told him. Elle just found out."

"You told Elle?"

"Kind of. Cassie was with me in the hospital after I got blew up and Elle barged into my room, so the cat was out of the bag. I wanted to tell you JJ, I was just scared!"

She took a deep breath, then grabbed the wine off of the coffee table, taking a large swig of the alcohol. She licked her lips and nodded. "It's okay, the wine is helping me process it. You don't mind if I drink all of this, right? I mean, you probably aren't planning on getting drunk with her right now."

"Yeah," I laughed. If alcohol was how she had to process it then I'd buy out the liquor store for her. "You know, I really am sorry. I wanted to tell you, and I'm glad that you know now. You're the only person on the team who I really wanted to tell."

She took another drink, then grimaced. "God, this wine is really bad. And very warm." She opened the pizza box and took a slice, making another face. "Ugh, the pizza is cold."

"Do you want me to heat it up?" I asked, starting to stand, but she grabbed my arm, keeping me on the couch before I could move. 

"Absolutely not, this isn't the first time we'll eat cold pizza and it won't be the last. Go get the letter and let me get a little drunker, then we can read them."

"You want to read the letters I wrote?" I asked, feeling the need to get drunk as well. "Are you sure? They're not the most entertaining material... Why don't we watch a movie instead?" 

She shook her head, taking Cassie out of my lap and sending me to grab the letters. I took Cassie right back, not that I didn't trust JJ. I just didn't trust her when she was drinking wine straight from the bottle. 

When I came back she had set the bottle back on the table in favor of more cold pizza and I took a slice as well. I tossed the letters I had written but not sent on the table and she looked at me expectantly. 

"Well? Read them to me."

That was the last thing I wanted to do, whether she was sober, tipsy, or blackout drunk. But, I grabbed the first letter anyway, her address printed out neatly along with my return address, the only thing missing was a stamp. Shaky hands held the letter and I didn't think it was possible for me to have a problem reading, but it was happening. 

_"Lucille,_

_I don't know what to say. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to say or do._

_I wish you contacted me sooner, had given me time to prepare. I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to do this, but a baby being thrust into your life with no warning, only a knock on the door, presents its own challenges. I can't say I'm not angry._

_I was lucky to have time off from the Bureau, three weeks of vacation-how perfect. For the first seventeen days, I had no idea what to do. Even in developing a bond and a routine with Cassie, I didn't know if I was going to keep her or give her up for adoption, as you suggested. She needs consistent love, attention, support in her development, and I didn't know if I could offer her that. I didn't tell anyone on my team, the only people I consider friends, in fear of failing. When I went back I was forced to tell my bosses but now, in fear of harm coming to such a perfect creature, I haven't told anyone else, not even my best friend._

_But as the days went on and I felt more familiar with the role of fatherhood and having to care for a being that isn't myself, I couldn't imagine sending her away. Pretending that I didn't have someone to care for when I did. Giving her to a family who didn't know anything about who she was or where she came from. How would I explain to them that her favorite colors are cool-toned, that her different cries meant different things, and if you just listen then you will know exactly what she wants. They wouldn't know that I want her to wear mismatched socks, even though you teased me for it when we met. They wouldn't know that Halloween is the best holiday and should be treated as such. They wouldn't know that she is already developing taste for sounds beyond white noise, and she seemed to like when I read her Chaucer, even if it's really nothing. They wouldn't know that the world is more terrifying than they have seen, and how badly they must protect her. _

_You dropped Cassie off at my home five weeks ago, I found your address two weeks ago, and I've been confused since. You told me not to contact you, but how could I be expected to do that? Drop a child off and then cease contact? Like you didn't care about the fact that you had a child? What about when Cassie grows up, goes to school, and asks me why she doesn't have a mommy like everyone else?_

_There's no shame in admitting that you couldn't raise her, especially on your own, but I can't help the anger I feel over abandoning her. Giving her to a stranger you knew nothing about, just hoping that I would give her love and not hurt her. It was idiotic at best._

_Despite all of that, I want Cassie to have the opportunity to know her mother. You know where I live, obviously, and I'll inform you of any changes as they come. I'm hoping the anger will dissipate, but there aren't any books or statistics I can consume to know how this will play out. Until then, until it grows or dies, I hope you consider being apart of her life. You don't have to be her mother, I just want you to know who she is._

_-Spencer Reid_

_P.S. Cassiopeia is a mouthful and no one can pronounce it. I only call her Cassie, though the sentiment was nice."_

"Oh, Spencer," JJ leaned closer to me but didn't know what to do. She settled for a pat on the arm, and I didn't know how to tell her I wanted a hug. 

"I couldn't send it. I almost did multiple times. I put the stamp on, then took it off, and kept doing it until I wrote another. At first, I wrote the letters because I wanted to send them and get answers - how could she just give up Cassie? What was so wrong with her that made her unable to care for? The anger is still there but it's muted now. Now I don't write the letters in hopes of getting answers, but to give her information. I figure she wonders about how Cassie's doing, where she's at developmentally. Even in giving her up, the maternal instinct is likely still there. But I just couldn't send them. If she didn't answer it'd feel like I forced Cassie to get rejected. Like telling her definitively that her mother didn't want her."

JJ leaned over now and gave me the hug that I didn't tell her I wanted so badly. I shifted Cassie onto one leg and leaned into JJ on the other side, biting my lip trying to control my emotions. I cried a lot lately, but when I thought about it, I did that before Cassie came along too. 

"You know how much she looks like you," JJ smiled pulling away. I rubbed my eyes furiously, trying to curb any tears. "Her eyes are just like yours. And those lips, it's like you just copy and paste. Does she get the curly hair from Lu-Lucy?" Her hair had suddenly grown in, the short hair curly as mine.

"Lucille. And no, she gets it from me. Lucille has straight, blonde hair and green eyes. She's gotten all of her features from me thus far."

"You have curly hair?" She laughed, but then shook her head. "She'll be the prettiest girl in the world, Spence."

"She's already the most beautiful girl in the world, to me." 

"You're a good dad, Spencer." She sounded so sincere that now the tears did come out, and I silently cried. 

"Thank you. Sometimes I uh, I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing." I wiped away the tears and chewed on cold pizza to avoid sobs. The wine was sounding better and better by the second. "When she cries I can't always get her to calm down and then it just results in the both of us crying!"

"I don't know much about kids, I've got a niece but that's it. But, Cassie looks happy. She looks healthy. If she's anything like you I'm sure she is flying through her milestones, and I'm sure you've documented them all meticulously." I nodded sheepishly, a small grin, and she smiled. "See, I figured you still knew how to smile!"

I tried to say something, but Cassie interrupted me. I checked my watch and sighed. "I need to change her and put her down. You can stay here, or come with me, I just have to do it now or she'll get fussy."

JJ stood up, following me to my bedroom that still housed Cassie's crib. I didn't have any other rooms, and I figured I'd need a new place when she got old enough for a bed rather than a crib. Then I really would have to contact Lucille, just to let her know. 

I felt JJ watching me intently as I put Cassie in an overnight diaper, changing her out of her clothes into a onesie, and whispering to the next chapter of a book I had been reading to her. She made soft sounds, none of them meaning much. I put her in the crib and turned on the white noise, guiding JJ back to the living room.

As soon as we sat down she sighed and said, "Fuck. _Fuck_. Fuck, Spencer, you're a dad!"

I laughed, moving the wine further away from her. She was a very slight girl and probably hadn't eaten much, I didn't want her having a hangover tomorrow. 

"I know, I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

She groaned, swatting at my arm. She was a bit tipsy, I figured. "Stop apologizing. It's in the past, I get why you did it, all of that. I won't tell the team, obviously, but you might want to have a chat with Morgan."

I scrunched up my nose. "What? Why Morgan?"

"Ever since the Phillip Dowd case, he's been saying that you're dating some girl named Cassie. He told Garcia who told me and Elle, and it was probably relayed to Hotch and Gideon-though they know the truth so," She shrugged, a small smile on her face. 

I rolled my eyes, leaning back on the couch, on top of a toy I pulled out from under me and tossed. "I'm going to kill him. I told him that I wasn't dating anyone _and_ I told him not to tell anyone about it!"

"Well, in a way it's kind of a blessing. The team _kind of_ has a bet on when you'll tell us about your girlfriend, so no one suspects a child is in the mix!"

"Garcia might," I groaned. "She gave me a ride home after Hayley had Jack and my nanny called to remind me I was running low on diapers and wipes. She came with me to the store and I tried to tell her they were for Hotch, but she knew something was off." I laughed a bit. "The only one on our team who isn't a profiler, and she's the only one who has an inkling without actually seeing Cassie or me telling her!"

JJ didn't say anything and I followed her eyesight to the coffee table where the letters I had written and never sent were laid. She was looking at one specifically that only had one line written on it. 

_If you were here, would her first word have been 'Momma' and not 'Dada?' Does she only prefer me because she has no other option?_

I scrambled to grab all of the letters, sorting through them and putting them out of sight. 

JJ swallowed hard, and I saw her rub at her eyes a bit. "Hey, let's watch a movie. That French film?" She said, voice wavering the slightest bit.

I nodded and put on the film, moving the baby monitor from the coffee table and to the side table next to me. I sat cross-legged on the couch, a large space between JJ and me, and I wrapped my arms around myself. 

"Uh, Spence?" She whispered, hesitant. "Can we cuddle?"

I nodded quickly and she leaped at me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me down to lay on the couch. She didn't really want to cuddle, we both knew that. 

"Thank you," I whispered when the subtitles came on the screen, JJ reading them intently until she would inevitably fall asleep. 

"Shh, let's just watch." She said, patting my hair the same way I did for Cassie, and if a few more tears snuck out, neither of us said anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this was supposed to be a bit fluffier but it appears as though my mind had different plans and went for subtle angst. Also slipped in a Maeve quote/reference there. I don't know yet if I'll include Maeve in this story yet, but as of right now I'm thinking I wont.


	9. Boogeyman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their unsub is a child. Spencer doesn't know how to handle his fears, JJ asks him a hard question.

_"What uh... what would you have done if that was Cassie?"_

* * *

With Elle gone the case was harder. 

She had acted weird after she was shot, which was expected, but I should've noticed the signs sooner. Her heightened levels of aggression, the barriers she put up, closing us all out, closing _me_ out. They were all just past the point of normalcy, and I should've said something sooner. But instead, it went past the point of no return and she shot a man, a rapist, but still, a man who wouldn't be charged because of her actions. Three out of five, now, I supposed. I had experienced members of the team leaving before, but never like this. Always old agents who referred to me as 'Kid' or 'Boy' and were just moments away from retiring, not bothering to interact with the weird, young agent who didn't understand social cues. 

She wasn't formally out yet, but Hotch was staying home with her while we worked our case, and we all knew. We didn't say anything, but after she shot Lee we knew she was gone for good. There was no coming back, even when the Bureau agreed it was in self-defense. 

I would miss her. She and I were friends, I liked to think, but doing our job is hard in general. I can't imagine doing this after being shot, specifically after what Garner did to her, taking the blood out of her bullet wound. Getting hurt like that changes you. 

But we couldn't focus on that now, there was a killer on the loose who was brutally murdering children, no sex, age, or race preference which made the unsub so much more dangerous than a preferential offender. We didn't know how to protect the kids if every kid was at risk. 

Cases with children have always been hard on all of us. It's one thing to understand the psychopathology of killers, to force yourself to empathize even when it hurts, but it was so much harder when they prey on those who couldn't defend themselves. These cases only got harder when I had Cassie. 

I always understood the vulnerability of children, I was a child at one point, obviously, and in general, children are viewed as innocent. You protect them, kiss their wounds, and sing them praises. They're born just to grow, but we have to help them grow first. But then there were people who had some deep, incessant need to stop the growth. And I had a hard time dealing with it. 

The team noticed it was hard to hide my distaste for this case. I was snappy with Garcia over the phone and got into an argument with Morgan after he told me to calm down when we found another body and I lost it at an officer. JJ guided me away from the scene, apologizing to Derek for me. 

"I don't know if I can do this, JJ," I said, finally saying what I'd been thinking since the case was presented to us. "I can't stop thinking about Cassie. These parents do everything they can to protect their kids, and it still wasn't enough. Their children are in a morgue and more are going to join them if we can't find the unsub."

"Spencer, you cannot let your personal life hold influence over this case. Okay? Trust me, as soon as those parents and community members see you start to break, they will too. And we can't let them lose hope."

"You don't understand!" I barked out, my voice was shrill and two octaves higher than normal. I felt bad for snapping at her, but I had never had to deal with these emotions before and I didn't know how to handle it. It wasn't an excuse, and I was already thinking of my apology to her later. 

"Why? Because I'm not a mother?"

"Yes! JJ, every time I have to go to the ME or we get called to look at another body all I can see is Cassie." I reached my hand underneath my glasses, rubbing harshly at my eyes like it would clear away the false images. "I would do _anything_ to protect her. I don't know how to explain it,"

"Listen, Reid, I get it, as much as I can, I guess. But you need to focus on the case. We're down two profilers, but lucky for us that big brain of yours is worth at least three. So do what you need to do, call Dorothy or go back to the hotel and take an hour, but we need your head in the game. Work this case like those kids _are_ Cassie. Don't let anyone else see you breaking, not until the case is over."

She didn't let me say anything else, pushing me to the passenger side of one of the various SUVs and taking the wheel - an uncommon occurrence for JJ. 

When we got to the hotel she didn't get out of the SUV, just pushed me out and directed me to cool-down before I came back to the station, a promise that she'd keep me updated. 

* * *

Of course, while I rested and tried to gain control of my emotions, they brought someone in for the murders. A single-dad, James Charles. I felt sick. How could you have a child, understand how vulnerable and innocent they are, and still do those things? Beating a child's head in? Logically, if I looked at the profile I understood why anyone does that because of their own deranged mine. Illogically, thinking with my heart over my head, I wanted to bash _his_ head in. 

Somehow worse though, was when he wasn't our unsub. They were close, unnervingly so. James wasn't the murderer, but Jefferey Charles. His son. His twelve-year-old son. 

When Gideon told me over our phone call I felt bile climb up my throat, but I swallowed it down.

Children serial killers weren't as rare as you expected, but this was my first one. There's a lot of controversy as to who the youngest serial killer was, some speculating a boy named Jesse Pomery who was convicted of multiple homicides at 14. Others claim there are ones as young as 8 who murdered a number of individuals. I've read their cases before, soaked up all of the information I could until it was a part of me, but I frankly didn't think I'd ever encounter a child murderer. Now that I had, I was lost. 

I hung up on Gideon, muttering something about staying put after he instructed me to not come to the station. We'd be leaving in an hour, meeting in the hotel lobby. 

The hour came quicker than I had realized, JJ knocking on my door and bringing me down to the lobby, squeezing my hand once before releasing it. We all drove in silence to the jet, none of us having the right words to describe our emotions. We're supposed to sympathize with all killers, and it's hard. It's harder when the killer is a child and we actually _do_ sympathize with them, at least to a degree. 

The jet ride was mostly silent. Derek listened to music on his iPod, occasionally clicking the loud buttons to skip a song. JJ stared ahead blankly, shaking her head every once in a while. Gideon sat with a book in his hands, but it took him 17 minutes to turn each page. 

JJ had gotten up and moved closer to me during the flight. I could tell she wanted to ask me how I was, but there were too many prying ears. I gave her a tight-lipped smile and she nodded, squeezing my arm. When the flight ended she took a long time to gather her bags and I did the same. We walked off the jet together, hurrying out of the cold into the office. 

"Do you remember what you said to me earlier when I pulled you away from your argument with the officer and Morgan?" She asked. Obviously, I remembered our conversation in its entirety, but I didn't know what she was referencing. 

"Which part?" I asked. "I said, 'I don't know if I can do this JJ. I can't stop thinking about Cassie-'"

"Yeah, no, Spence I know you remember, you don't have to recite it." She let out a slight laugh, nervous tones in it. "I meant, do you recall telling me that you would do anything to protect her?"

"Yes..." I didn't like where this was going. "Why?"

"What uh... what would you have done if that was Cassie?" She asked, and I froze. 

"Cassie is a year old. She doesn't have any homicidal tendencies that are worrying me yet unless you count chewing on the head of her elephant stuffie." I said avoiding the question. JJ gave me a pointed stare and I swallowed hard.

"If Cassie were doing that... If she were _killing_ someone, it would be because she was sick. I would take her to a hospital. Try to help her. I want to protect her, but letting someone murder, letting your child murder? Hospitalization _would_ be protecting her, and everyone else, at that point. I know where James was coming from, but I would never. I _could_ never. Especially being a single dad, only having your child. But he was hurting Jeffery almost as much as Jeffery was hurting those kids." I said, letting her walk into the office in front of me. There was a woman sitting in Hotch's office, pale with black hair. She looked around intensely like she was trying to soak it all in before getting thrown out.

"Who is that?" I asked, trying to change the subject. 

"Oh, uh, I think it's an applicant for Elle's replacement." She didn't seem pleased with my changing of the subject. 

"So soon? I thought we weren't even going to replace her. We worked with four profilers before."

She shrugged. "But we haven't in a year. We _are_ down a profiler, but I don't know. I don't know why else there'd be anyone in Hotch's office so late. Er, I guess so early."

We went to my desk and watched Hotch walk into his office, starting a conversation with the mystery woman. They seemed to argue for a minute, her body language was defensive and trying to be domineering, but that never worked on Hotch. I saw him move to look down at us and quickly put my head down, packing my bag to go home and retrieve Cassie. 

"So," JJ said, taking a seat on top of my desk. "Did you do anything for Cassie's first birthday?"

I discreetly looked around, and no one was near us. I smiled. "We went to the park. I had a really hard time letting her touch all the surfaces, but I think I did okay. It was warmer than average so we tried popsicles for the first time!"

"Oh?" She smiled. "And how did that go?"

"Well, she's never had a concept of cold items in her mouth, save for teething rings, so it was confusing for her. She did find, I think, that the red popsicles are much better than any other color."

"Smart girl, just like her dad."

We both smiled before JJ's smile dropped a bit and she swatted me on the arm, jutting her chin towards Hotch's office where he was opening the door for the woman, she had a box of items in her hands and he gestured to Elle's old desk, right across from mine. She said something before descending the stairs, a smile splayed across her face. 

"Hi, I'm Jennifer Jareau, JJ if you like," JJ smiled, extending her hand to the woman. "I'm the communications liaison for the team. This is Doctor Spencer Reid."

The woman set her box on the bare desk, taking JJ's hand and reaching to shake mine. I bit back a grimace and took it. "Hi, Agent Emily Prentiss. I'm sorry, did you say doctor?"

"Three PhDs!" JJ smiled, and I looked down. Sometimes I thought she was more proud of them than I was. "He's an agent too, of course, we just introduce him as Doctor. Right, Spence?"

I nodded, shaking Emily's hand. "Nice to meet you," I said, and she nodded. 

"Same to you. I'm excited to be working with you both."

"I'd love to stay in chat, but I've got to get home. I'll see you soon though, I'm sure." I smiled, grabbing my bag and swinging it over my shoulder. I squeezed JJ's shoulder and she put her hand over mine, smiling with a look that I knew meant ' _g_ _et home safe!'_

"You won't be here tomorrow?" She asked, obviously confused. 

"I work four tens," I said, thinking of a reason why I would do that other than to stay home with Cassie on my Fridays. "I use the time to guest lecture at local colleges."

That wasn't necessarily a lie, I did sometimes guest lecture. Just never on my Fridays with Cassie. 

She nodded, not looking entirely convinced, but I didn't give her time to think about it. I spun on my heel, calling out another goodbye before rushing to the elevator, Garcia holding the door for me and letting it close immediately after I entered. 

_Well_ , I thought, _back to three out of six._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily has arrived! I know there was a bit more distance between Elle's departure and Emily's arrival, but I wanted her into the story sooner. Sorry for a bit of a shorter chapter, next week will be longer!


	10. Letters and Logistics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer finally sends a letter to Lucille and asks JJ a tough question.

I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. The thin envelope shook in my hands and I was beginning to regret the third pot of coffee I had brewed. I could barely see in my dark apartment, Cassie asleep on the bed next to where I laid. After she turned one I decided to try cosleeping and it seemed to work well. We both slept better, even if I still awoke during the night, mostly to check on her. 

But now I hadn't even fallen asleep, to begin with. The red glow of my alarm clock illuminated the room, reading that it was nearing three in the morning. I had received the letter when I checked on the mail earlier after getting home from brunch with JJ and Cassie and it had been 16 hours of anxiety growing in my chest of not knowing. Logically, I knew that what was in the letter didn't matter. I could contest it, or she would agree and then I would go through with the paperwork. No matter what was in the sleeve I had no reason to doubt everything would work out the way I wanted it to, but the pit in my stomach still grew larger. 

I watched the digital numbers change every sixty seconds, growing closer to when my alarm would go off and I would need to prepare for the day. Holding off on opening the letter wouldn't change what was written inside it, even if I tried to convince myself it would. There was no point in extending my suffering, and I ripped open the paper, staring in shock at the single line of unmistakable handwriting.

* * *

"Spence! Oh, you both look great!" JJ smiled when I opened the door and I grinned, bouncing Cassie on my hip. 

"Thanks! So do you," I said, putting Cassie in her stroller and locking the door behind me. "Ready to go?"

"Ready as ever. You may have someone to look after," She said, tickling Cassie's stomach before standing back up to look me in the eyes. "But I only have to look after the many mimosas I'm about to drink."

I laughed and she bumped her hip against mine, leading the way to a new restaurant she had found near my apartment, claiming that they had the best brunch in the world and if I didn't go with her she might die. 

It was a short walk and based on how many people were dining it must've really been the best brunch in the world. A nice waitress with black hair and brown skin guided us to a table outside, under a striped pink awning. It was sunny and the shade was welcoming, and I put more baby sunscreen onto Cassie's round face. Our waitress brought a highchair for her and I thanked her, moving her up to the chair so she was level with the table. 

I ordered a black coffee with sugar and JJ followed through with what she had said earlier, ordering a mimosa and telling the waitress, Ivy, to 'Keep em coming.'

"So," She said, sipping the orange drink. "What do you think about the new agent, Prentiss?"

"She's good," I said mulling over my thoughts and my coffee. I gave Cassie a sippy-cup with a smoothie in it, a rare treat that she squealed over. "She's really trying to prove herself to Hotch, but she won't get anywhere doing that."

"You're right. I mean, I can tell she's a good profiler but trying to suck up to Hotch?" She scoffed. "That'll do good to absolutely no one." 

Ivy came back and placed our plates in front of us. JJ devoured her bacon and eggs and I pushed my pancakes to the side, feeding Cassie her fruit and oatmeal, giving her a bite of my pancakes when I started eating too. 

"Good good," She said and I nodded. 

"Oatmeal is very good for you," I confirmed. "It's filled with the fiber beta-glucan and natural sugars so you don't eat them all in popsicles."

JJ laughed, not at the lack of babytalk, I never used that anyway. Talking to babies the same as adults have been proven to help them developmentally.

"Rich coming from you Spence," She said. "You take your coffee with a cup of sugar and a splash of liquid,"

"Yeah, well, when Cassie is raising a baby on her own she can have as much added sugar as she wants. Until then she can get it from very nutritional oatmeal and fruit."

She just laughed again, shaking her head.

The waitress came to check on us and drop off the cheque, but she said something before she left. 

"I don't normally say this," She smiled. "But you guys have just the cutest baby in the world! You're all very cute together."

JJ laughed loudly and I stuttered, unable to get out my response. She saved me though, speaking up before the waitress left. 

"I'm just a friend, it's all his genes in that baby! But isn't she just?" 

The waitress offered a quick apology and I thanked her for saying Cassie was cute. She scurried off, leaving us to finish our meal. 

Was the rest of my life going to be everyone thinking Cassie's mother was whatever woman was with me? Or that she was just waiting at home for her doting husband and lovely daughter? Would that bother Cassie when she grew older or was it just upsetting to me?

"Spencer!" JJ snapped in my face, drawing out my attention. "Are you okay?"

"I sent a letter to Lucille," I said, biting my lower lip. JJ's eyes went wide as dinner plates before she composed herself. 

"Well? What did it say? Did she respond?"

"I've been too anxious to check the mail. I don't know if she did but I do know I probably have an unpaid bill."

"What did you say to her? Did you chew her out for being such a shi- _bad_ person?" 

I recited the letter from memory and JJ didn't stop me. 

"It said, 

_'Dear Lucille,_

_I have written over a dozen letters to you, all unsent. I write one a month, detailing Cassie's progression both emotionally and physically. Yes, I kept her, in case that much wasn't obvious._

_She's a wonderful girl, about to turn fourteen months, and I've been afraid to send the letters I have written. The main reason is that you already sent her away, so why would I give you another opportunity to reject her? But, I suppose that's ridiculous given the nature of this letter._

_I'm finally writing, and sending, this letter to ask you to denounce guardianship over Cassie._

_As you know my job is dangerous and recently a coworker of mine was hospitalized, as was I. She was badly injured and nearly died and I was much luckier than her. But it made me think about what would happen if I did die, either whilst working a case or due to some untimely accident. When I die, if Cassie is still a minor, she will be sent to live with her next of kin. That's you. To be blunt, I don't want her to live with you._

_Not because you gave her up. If anything, that was the best decision you made. You understood you couldn't give her the care she deserved and that's the most important thing you could do. I'm asking you to do that again. It's because you don't know her. Think about what's best for her. If I die in a month, in a year, in ten years, I don't want her being sent to a stranger, which is what you are._

_You don't know which toys she likes. Not the food she prefers. How she likes to sleep and what facts she falls asleep fastest too. If she is sent to you it will be detrimental to both of you. She would be in an unfamiliar environment without anyone she knows and you would be forced to learn all the things I know about her all at once, whereas I learned them as they surfaced._

_All I ask is that you sign the enclosed paperwork, notarized, and send them back to me so I can assign the secondary guardianship to someone who knows Cassie and would be able to care for her. If you don't, that's your choice, and it will be my choice to contest you in court for full guardianship over her. We both know it's statistically more likely for you to gain it, but as we learned, when it comes to the two of us statistics don't seem to care._

_I hope you're well, Lucille, and I ask that you send me the paperwork at your soonest convenience._

_Thank you, and all the best,_

_Spencer'"_

I finished and JJ just stared at me. The sun blared down around us and even in the shade of the awning, I could still feel it beating on us. I gave Cassie some water when she finished her smoothie, trying to keep her hydrated. She laughed at nothing in particular and I smiled, feeding her another bite of pancakes that I hadn't yet drenched in syrup. She managed to keep half of it in her mouth, and the remaining bit on her nice green dress. I frowned and cleaned her up, ignoring the stare I felt coming from JJ. 

"That's... that's pretty heavy, Spence." She finally said, taking a sip of her drink. "You need to check the mail, see if she's responded."

"I know, but I feel like no matter what she says it's going to be difficult. If she takes away her right to Cassie then she can never get that back, not legally, and it's just another way of saying she wants nothing to do with our daughter. But if she says no then I have to go through the process of fighting her in court. Men don't often win custody cases, even in extreme cases. Especially with my odd hours, she could use that and gain sympathy points, and then what? Then I'd lose the most important thing in my life."

"That's not going to happen, Spencer. Look at the facts, Lucille dropped a newborn off at your front door without knowing anything about you, hoping that it would be okay. She asked you to cease contact with her. She said in her letter that she couldn't be a mother. You, on the other hand, have proven your role as Cassie's dad. You found a baby on your doorstep and immediately took her in, dropping everything to ensure her safety. Even with our odd hours you still prioritize her. But, you shouldn't even worry about that right now. Lucille may have not answered yet, and if she did she might've signed the papers. What you should think about is who you'll give secondary guardianship to. That's a big decision."

The sun seemed to grow hotter and I felt sweat build under the bridge of my glasses. There had been a pit in my stomach since JJ picked us up this morning since I sent out the letter to Lucille, but it felt like it would burst now. I took a long drink of my water, helping Cassie with her own before JJ prodded me under the table, kicking me lightly in the ankles. 

"I was-" I took another drink of water, and still felt like I was breathing in sand. "I was kind of hoping you would think about it."

Her fork, lifting eggs to her mouth, fell back onto her plate and she coughed like she was choking on the food that never reached her tongue. "Me?" She said, eyes wide. "Why me, Spencer? Why not your neighbor? The one who watches Cassie when we're on cases, Dorothy?"

"Dorothy is a bit older, and though I don't know what I'd do without her, I could never expect her to take full-time care over a toddler. Even then, she's not family. Not the way that you are."

"Spence," She spoke much softer now. She reached across the table and took my hand. "You're my family too, but really, why me?"

"You're my best friend, JJ. And I've never had a friend before, let alone someone I could call a best friend. But besides that? Cassie loves you and you love her. You called me the other day and when I said your name she smiled so big and started kicking her feet because she knew it was you. 

"Listen," I continued, feeling like I was pleading a case in front of a jury. "This isn't something you have to do. I won't feel hurt or betrayed or anything if you say no. I don't have to file any paperwork right away, especially since I haven't even looked to see if Lucille has responded to me. I'm just asking that you think about it. Really, this is the same thing as being her godmother, just taking away the religious aspects. Being her secondary guardian just means that you're a secular godmother!"

JJ took a deep breath, grounding herself. "Let's pay the bill, go back to your place, and we can see if Lucille has sent anything back. Does that sound good? I don't want to answer until Lucille has."

She was already pulling out her card to pay and cash to leave a tip, the both of us tidying our plates. I cleaned up Cassie before trying to put her in her stroller, but she started to cry, putting her arms up to be held. I did as she asked and JJ pushed the stroller out while I carried her, walking in silence back to my apartment. 

When we passed the mailroom I fumbled with my keys, JJ taking them from me and unlocking the box, pulling out an array of papers I had yet to gather from the past week. She handed them to me and I didn't look at them when we got into the elevator, the only sound of the passing floors and my own heartbeat, I was sure. 

"Hey, Spencer?" JJ said when we settled into my home. "Are you going to look at the mail?"

I swallowed hard and shook my head, barely able to take in any oxygen. "No, I can't," I said, biting my lower lip and pinching the skin on my forearm. "I can't do it."

"Okay! Okay, that's fine," She said, pulling the papers out of my hands. "Do you want me to look at them?" I nodded fervently.

She shuffled through the papers too slowly, taking much too long to read through everything, but I saw the second her expression changed. Her nostrils flared and I saw her jaw tense. The soft smile on her face grew tight and she ground her teeth. She pulled a single white envelope out of the pile, putting it on my lap. I let my eyes flicker down for half a second and that was more than enough for me to read everything, including the return address that mirrored the one I had drawn out from Penelope a year ago, only finally utilizing it. 

I picked it up and turned it over, then turned it over, then turned it over. I continued the action until JJ put her hands on mine, stilling the motion. 

"Spencer, tell me what you need?" She said, voice soft. 

"I don't know!" I rushed out, digging my nails into my palms in favor of the pinching now that JJ was holding my hands in place. "I need... I need... I don't know what I need."

"Do you want me to open it?" She asked, and I shook my head, scarcely refraining from yelling 'no,' knowing Cassie was in the other room, napping after brunch. "Okay, do you want to open it?" I shook my head again. "Alright, well do you want me to stay here until you open it, or do you want me to leave?"

I opened my mouth and it took a few minutes for the words to actually come out, my head nodding as I tried to coax them out. "I can't open it, not now," I said, taking a shaky breath. She squeezed my hands lightly and it brought me back to earth a bit. "I want..." I bit my lip. I didn't want this to sound mean, even if she had offered it. 

"Do you want me to leave?" She guessed, and I nodded slightly. "Okay, I'm going to leave, and I want you to take your time opening that, and whenever you open it and are ready to talk, text me or give me a call."

She left without another word and I breathlessly stared at the envelope. She wrote the envelope in print, but I was sure whatever was hidden inside would be in large, flowy cursive letters that neared illegibility. I tugged gently at the sealed slip, toying with the idea of opening it. I slid my finger along the sticky paper when Cassie began to stir, alerting the baby monitor. I set down the paper and rushed to her. 

I'd open it later. Maybe. 

* * *

There were papers behind her writing, the paperwork I had included for her to sign to denounce guardianship, but I didn't know if they were signed or not. There was no greeting or sign-off, just a single line of loopy cursive that was burned into my brain. 

_As you wish._

Behind her unmistakable writing was a small stack of papers, her signature in all the right places with dotted I's and crossed T's, notarized and ready to be made official. 

I texted JJ, not expecting her to respond at such a late hour, but her response was near immediate. 

_Spencer Reid - > JJ Jareau_

_-_ I checked the mail. She signed the papers. 

_JJ Jareau - > Spencer Reid_

_-_ What else did she say?

_Spencer Reid - > JJ Jareau_

_-_ 'As you wish.' No introduction, sign-off, anything. Just... as I wished.

_JJ Jareau - > Spencer Reid_

_-_ Fuck that

-I'll be her secular godmother

-When can I sign?

I smiled at my phone, setting it down to respond to her at a later date. I watched Cassie, listening to her loud breathing, and finally felt my eyes close and fall into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should specify that nothing about JJ and Spencer's relationship in this story is romantic. They're best friends! I feel like they had such a pure friendship in the early seasons, and of course into the rest of the show, and I just wanted to amplify it and have her being a supportive friend and all that!


End file.
